WIFE OF ALCOHOLIC M.D. TELLS OF HER AGONY

The wife of a recovered alcoholic doctor recently described what it's like for the family of a physician, highly regarded in his community, when he slides into addiction.

Barbara W. told a meeting of physicians' spouses, held in conjunction with the Ontario Medical Association Conference at the Harbour Castle Hilton Hotel, that many such families come to see MD as standing for "Major Demon".

The wife begins to isolate herself, keeping silent, Barbara said. "She rationalizes the drinking, defending her partner where necessary, covering up before his colleagues, patients and nurses. "She tries to keep his path smoother."

Barbara said the wife assumes greater responsibility for the family, her resentment growing in proportion. But she bites her tongue. "Anything to please daddy," she said,. She learns hiding the pills or liquor is a wasted activity, Barbara said. "Her fear and guilt is transmitted to the children" She's always thinking, "Who knows? Who'll report him?

What about malpractice, motor vehicle accidents, court? But still no one dares to confront him." The spouse, she said, becomes as sick as the doctor. Total isolation from friends is common. She stops going to church or clubs. She becomes unreliable and neglects the home environment.

"The children say, 'sandwiches again?' and she tells them to watch TV" she said. "She has headaches, backaches and she's always tired. Anger predominates in the home. There are fights and threats. There's depression, maybe her alcohol abuse.

She has a poor personal appearance. Her whole approach is, "I don't care any more." The children, she said, revert to bed-wetting, drop out of school or leave home. "It's like a grief process," she said. "It's a response to unresolved fears and to loneliness and it's not unlike watching a loved one die."

Eventually, she said, there is acceptance. And with that may come the determination to separate from him. "I reached the point where I was no longer prepared to jeopardize the lives of four for the sake of one," she said. "We have to accept the fact that we too have become ill and be prepared to make changes to seek recovery. We have to let go.

" Barbara, director of a home-care program and a former community nurse, said she began to realize she had to follow the advice she gave patients, - join Al-Anon. Following the advice of Al-Anon (and organization for families of alcoholics) she divided her days into 15 minute compartments. "I could cope with anything for 15 minutes." But she found it difficult to find anybody in her community with whom to share her personal problems.

"Clergy generally feel inadequate dealing with doctors, and professional help was not available." Since then, she said, a group for physicians' wives has been formed at Toronto's Donwood Clinic. From all over Ontario, 10 to 20, at any given time, meet there every two weeks. It was initiated by the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario, which also provides help for addicted doctors.

The women have telephone network and help each other. She said the program lets the women share their fears, reduce self-pity, regain self-confidence, and learn that while they hope their husbands recover, that cannot be their only motivation for attending. "We're accountable for our behaviour only. We have no control over his dependency.

" When her husband began treatment and stopped drinking, she said, it was "a totally new experience." It had been years since there'd been a chemically free relationship with somebody. It was dramatic. Was it ever great to have someone to share respsonsibilities," she said. But she admitted there was the underlying fear, "Can I trust him again?"

DON says: This article appeared in the Donwood Newsletter, which I edited over a ten year period. I am unable to tell the reader if the subject doctor treatment is still in place since this happened several years ago.