MY FATHER'S DEATH (CONTINUED)

As mentioned in my column last month, my father died on January 14th and I was faced with the first instance in life where someone near and hear has passed on.

How does one deal with grief for the first time? How does one cope with this overwhelming tragedy of life? Or is it a tragedy? Or just the normal transition of a human being, from birth, through life and on to the unknown.

Well, of course, we can learn from others. But, how can we know what is going on inside a person? How can we see the gut-wrenching physical pain that one suffers? If we are unusually sensitive, we can guess, but the only way to really know is to experience it. Does one ever get used to it? I watched my wife's great uncle as he lived to 85, he saw most of his relatives, and all of his freinds buried. How did he feel. Is it a lonely experience?

The only way I can see to cope with this whole question is to accept it as much as possible, but try to take it with a measure of serenity and acceptance.

It is there - we must face it - the more placidly we take it, the easier it is for us. In his essay "The Christian and Grief", Granger E. Westberg states in a very brief description of the ten stages of good grief, there is "first shock, then emotional release, depression and isolation, Physical symptoms of distress, constant pre-occupation with the loss, sense of guilt, hostility and resentment, inability to return to usual activities, gradual awareness of the unreality of present attitudeness, and finally readjustment to reality.

He goes on to say "These ten stages of grief I would like to describe as very normal. In effect I would to call this 'good grief''. This is what we are talking about - good grief as opposed to 'unhealthy' or 'bad' grief. Grief can be creative and productive, provided we move through it with the help of our faith, and the supporting concern of those around us. However, if we spend too much time in any of the stages it could be 'bad grief' and it could be unhealthy."

As alcoholics I think we must have a good understanding of what death is, and grief, and have the ability , and serenity to cope with it. For, if we do not have this ability, then we are only a short step away from another drink for we will be unable to accept the pain and remorse, along with the understanding that it too will pass with time.

For, isn't there a parallel between AA's "one day at a time" for both staying sober, and grieving.

For, won't time heal both?

Another thing I learned in the past weeks, is how precious time is. There is none to waste. As a young lad I always wanted time to move on, so that I could be an adult, get rich, be powerful, and so on. Now that is not so important. Now I am trying to grab time, slow it down, tell it not to run away so fast. But it seems to be racing, and I am getting older.

I don't want to wake up some morning and say "my God, I am old, the time is almost gone, and there is so much to do!"

Now I feel the important things are not the new car, the big house, although they make life more comfortable, rather it is the love of family, friends and neighbours, the gift of my time and energies to them. The great desire to leave behind something of value, for this short term on earth.

DON FELSTEAD

DON says: Hopefully I have learned to live my life as outlined above. I will try hard to do it.