It is spring and new life is being born to the land, as tender roots explore the soil. Slowly but surely buds are forming on the trees. The sunlight begins to contain some wormth and in patches here and there the grass is green. In the morning, before the traffic forms its blur of sound, the birds are talking to one another and to the sky.
DEAR GOD it is good to be alive and to be sober! I am learning how to live and how to see and how to appreciate the countless miracles I am discovering in my little corner of the world.
I have learned not to be afraid of that word "miracle" which comes from the Latin - an object of wonder. The words mirror and mirage are from the same source.
The musician Arthur Rubinstein forms his concise personal philosophy around this word. He writes:
"I'm passionately involved in life: I love its change, its color, its movement. To be alive, to be able to see, to walk, to have houses, music, paintings - its all a miracle. I have adopted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle...what people get out of me is this outlook on life which comes out in my music."
When I was in the final stages of my drinking, my outlook on life was cruel, twisted and distorted. Sobriety was a terribly painful experience. I would thaw out only to find I was friendless, unemployed, flat broke, in debt, haunted by the spectre of my children I had made fatherless. Quickly I would capsize into the warm sewer of cheap wine and its fleeting haze that smears the sharp borders of time and truth.
Reality? Run away from reality for it is suffering and anguish.
Miracles? Rubbish!
When I began to recover from alcoholism, gradually I found there were pleasing reasons for staying sober. My first reason came when I watched the clear eyes of an elderly, very sharp newspaper editor. I remember thinking: "My God I wish my eyes were as clear as that. I wish I could think as clearly as he can."
Then one day I saw in the mirror that my own eyes were clear. Something to wonder at. And my thinking was slowly clearing. I began building up a little daily schedule of gratitudes. Every time I would come by the luxury of having both a cup of coffee and a cigarette, I would pause - just for a second - and be greatful.
Little by little my gratitudes multiplied - clean socks, a new suit, the beauty of a flower, being able to see someone perform an act of kindness on a busy street. And the sky, the stars, the blessings of sight, the grace of movement, the thrill of action, the taste of a homemade cookie.
Make no mistake. I am not living in a world filled with pink gauze and perfume. There are rough spots. Lots of them, but somehow, by stringing together the little flowers of appreciation for the gifts life has to offer makes the whole thing rewarding. I have found beautiful treasures in reality where there were only rocks and pain.
Yes, Spring is here with all its miracles. And it is another miracle that I am able to appreciate its wonders.
A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC.
DON says: A magnificently beautiful story about a miracle happening. A fellow addict who shares my wonder at the way we returned to a lovely and fulfilling life after a stay in a dark and forboding world of dark bars, crumbling relationships, auto mishaps, loss of friends and relationships. This is stark reality, and I feel proud for having gone through this whole problem and have stayed sober for 39 years now. (2008). You will note that I have put "RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC" at the end of his story. We must continue to battle alcoholism for the rest of our lives because the minute we take just one drink, we are back in the black hole. Don Felstead
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
LOOKING BACK - AS A BEGINNING
Sunday, November 16, 2008
LOOKING BACK - AS A BEGINNING
This is the first post of my new blog, on which I will summarize my life.
This period was a linchpin in my time on this planet, an end and a beginning.I had just spent an hour at Donwood on a recent Saturday evening, (in the late sixties), and was driving home on Yonge Street in Hogs Hollow, in Toronto wondering what I was going to write about for my monthly editorial piece in the Donwood Newsletter, I saw the Jolly Miller, all lit up, fat and sassy, with people pouring in and out.
Now, anyone who knows the North end of Toronto knows that the Miller was the flagship for drinkers. It had been the local watering hole for a hundred years or so. It was available to all, had a great atmosphere, and was a great place to drink.As I passed it, a great flood off memories swept over me; the many times I had spent there with buddies, drinking maybe 10 to 20 drafts after a ball game, or straight from work, and often closed the place at one in the morning. I paid 10 cents for a draft beer, $4 for a case of 24 bottles, and $4 for a carton of cigarettes.
Then I thought of the not-so-pleasant memories, the climbing up the long outside steps to the men's bar (beer only), then the tenuous descent down those high stairs, unsteadily, but happy as hell. The crawling up the hill home about a mile away. Sometimes I drove and had trouble keeping the white line in the middle of the road from weaving from side to side, so I could follow it home.One particular night, (I quit drinking forever the next day), I left at 1.00 in the morning but got only to the subway. Now in those days the Subway was under construction, and it was only a muddy hole up Yonge St. Since I had too much to drink, I lay down in the mud and went to sleep. The last thing I thought of was, (don't sleep in the subway darling - a popular song that year). The next morning I got home, cleaned up, and went with my Sponsor from AA, Jack, never to drink again. Jack had told my wife that he thought I would never be able to quit, I was a hopeless drunk. This was coming from an expert, since he had imbibed a 26 oz bottle of whiskey for the past 25 years, and had only quit drinkingthe year before. Well I proved him wrong.
Coming out of this memory a few years later, I thought of my current life. I drive a new car, we are a prosperous middle-aged couple in the prime of our lives, living in a home in the country, just outside of Orillia. We had four happy, well-adjusted children, and even in these times of inflation, things were pretty good. We don't appreciate the things we have until we almost lose them.
Could have lost my wife, my home, my children. But I pulled back in time!I have been dry 39 years now, in 2008. I wake up every morning now thanking God that this day is another bonus in a litany of days. Something to take full advantage of every minute, and hour in that day. There is no way I am ever going to screw up my life with alcohol.Having material things is not important to me know. If they were I would still be at the Bank, earning that big salary, facing the pressures - not able to enjoy my children.
I quit the Bank and took a much lower paying job with the government. There was a lot less pressure, and I work only 37 hours a week. I see my kids every night, every weekend and we do lots of things together., and I am sober. They can bring their friends home, happy in the knowledge that the old man won't be on the floor passed out, or weaving over the dinner table, grinning like a chesire cat, high on booze. They are confident that I will be there when they need me. Aand, most important of all, we like each other.
My wife are lovers and friends, something we couldn't have been if I were still drinking.Sobriety brings an important feeling of worth, pride, and a feeling of self confidence.So, as I drove along Yonge St that day so long ago I remember shivering as I thought how far along drinking I had gone, how much more damamge there could have been to my marriage and family. I would have missed so much had I not gone to Donwood. DON FELSTEAD
LOOKING BACK - AS A BEGINNING
This is the first post of my new blog, on which I will summarize my life.
This period was a linchpin in my time on this planet, an end and a beginning.I had just spent an hour at Donwood on a recent Saturday evening, (in the late sixties), and was driving home on Yonge Street in Hogs Hollow, in Toronto wondering what I was going to write about for my monthly editorial piece in the Donwood Newsletter, I saw the Jolly Miller, all lit up, fat and sassy, with people pouring in and out.
Now, anyone who knows the North end of Toronto knows that the Miller was the flagship for drinkers. It had been the local watering hole for a hundred years or so. It was available to all, had a great atmosphere, and was a great place to drink.As I passed it, a great flood off memories swept over me; the many times I had spent there with buddies, drinking maybe 10 to 20 drafts after a ball game, or straight from work, and often closed the place at one in the morning. I paid 10 cents for a draft beer, $4 for a case of 24 bottles, and $4 for a carton of cigarettes.
Then I thought of the not-so-pleasant memories, the climbing up the long outside steps to the men's bar (beer only), then the tenuous descent down those high stairs, unsteadily, but happy as hell. The crawling up the hill home about a mile away. Sometimes I drove and had trouble keeping the white line in the middle of the road from weaving from side to side, so I could follow it home.One particular night, (I quit drinking forever the next day), I left at 1.00 in the morning but got only to the subway. Now in those days the Subway was under construction, and it was only a muddy hole up Yonge St. Since I had too much to drink, I lay down in the mud and went to sleep. The last thing I thought of was, (don't sleep in the subway darling - a popular song that year). The next morning I got home, cleaned up, and went with my Sponsor from AA, Jack, never to drink again. Jack had told my wife that he thought I would never be able to quit, I was a hopeless drunk. This was coming from an expert, since he had imbibed a 26 oz bottle of whiskey for the past 25 years, and had only quit drinkingthe year before. Well I proved him wrong.
Coming out of this memory a few years later, I thought of my current life. I drive a new car, we are a prosperous middle-aged couple in the prime of our lives, living in a home in the country, just outside of Orillia. We had four happy, well-adjusted children, and even in these times of inflation, things were pretty good. We don't appreciate the things we have until we almost lose them.
Could have lost my wife, my home, my children. But I pulled back in time!I have been dry 39 years now, in 2008. I wake up every morning now thanking God that this day is another bonus in a litany of days. Something to take full advantage of every minute, and hour in that day. There is no way I am ever going to screw up my life with alcohol.Having material things is not important to me know. If they were I would still be at the Bank, earning that big salary, facing the pressures - not able to enjoy my children.
I quit the Bank and took a much lower paying job with the government. There was a lot less pressure, and I work only 37 hours a week. I see my kids every night, every weekend and we do lots of things together., and I am sober. They can bring their friends home, happy in the knowledge that the old man won't be on the floor passed out, or weaving over the dinner table, grinning like a chesire cat, high on booze. They are confident that I will be there when they need me. Aand, most important of all, we like each other.
My wife are lovers and friends, something we couldn't have been if I were still drinking.Sobriety brings an important feeling of worth, pride, and a feeling of self confidence.So, as I drove along Yonge St that day so long ago I remember shivering as I thought how far along drinking I had gone, how much more damamge there could have been to my marriage and family. I would have missed so much had I not gone to Donwood. DON FELSTEAD
Friday, August 22, 2008
AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT TOUGH!
FROM THE INTERNET
READ THIS...LET IT REALLY SINK IN...THEN CHOOSE...
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
"Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line...It's your choice how you live your life.
"I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better,I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground,I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me, "said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.'The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead. "He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Don says: I took this off the internet. This is a wonderful testimony to the hardiness of man. It is there, you only must call forth the common sense, and willingness to bear life as it is. Hard, hurting, beautiful, and there to take full advantage of making your own happiness. Don't falter, hang in when something devastates you, remember, this is only a momentary setback and things can change in the blink of an eyelash.
READ THIS...LET IT REALLY SINK IN...THEN CHOOSE...
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
"Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line...It's your choice how you live your life.
"I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better,I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground,I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me, "said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.'The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead. "He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Don says: I took this off the internet. This is a wonderful testimony to the hardiness of man. It is there, you only must call forth the common sense, and willingness to bear life as it is. Hard, hurting, beautiful, and there to take full advantage of making your own happiness. Don't falter, hang in when something devastates you, remember, this is only a momentary setback and things can change in the blink of an eyelash.
Monday, August 18, 2008
TIME
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
Time passes at the same speed for us all. Each hour has sixty minutes and each day is twenty-four hours long. Yet it does not seem that way. Some hours fly by so quickly that we wonder where the time has gone.
Others drag so unmercifully that we become fretful, frustrated and bored. Any allotment of time has to be measured, not just in minutes or hours, but in terms of our experience of it. It is even possible to get so engrossed in what we are doing that we forget to measure time at all.
Any person who has spent much time drinking and then stops is obviously going to have a lot of time on his hands. At first this is a frightening prospect. The thought of all those evenings with nothing to do, all those weekends to be faced without benefit of chemical escape is enough to dismay even the bravest optimist.
In fact, the reality is sometimes even worse than the anticipation. More than one person has returned to "the sauce" out of sheer boredom. The first way to think of time, therefore is to plan how to use it. Evenings don't have to be a bore or weekends a drag. Not if you use some imagination. Not if you plan.
The operative word is plan. Know in advance just what you are going to do. This is something more than deciding how you are going to put in time. It is planning how to take advantage of the fact that all that time is available to be used in such stimulating and challenging ways that life takes on a whole new flavour. Sidney Katz calls it "life style modification". The other attitude toward time is one of respect. The old proverb declares that time heals all wounds. (My daughter once had a motto hanging in her kitchen which said that time wounds all heels!).
There are some things, including recovery from addiction, that can be achieved only over an extended period of time. There is no short-cut. There is no way in which habit patterns developed over a number of years can suddenly be replaced by a set of new ones. This goes against our ingrained impatience.
We live in the day of instant solutions. There is a pill for every pain. Fast relief is the motto that attracts. Instant coffee, instant breakfast, instant biscuits have a ready market.
When I was a boy two trains a day went through our town headed for Toronto. If you missed the one in the morning, you waited for the one in the evening. Now there is impatience if you miss a slot in the revolving door. It is not easy to wait patiently for time to do its healing work. Yet it is the necessity that each person faces who is working to recovery.
Some relapse because they expect too much too soon. Many more have discovered that, if you do respect the healing power of pay off is tremendous.
Don says: We live in an age of instant needs, need to rush to work, need to be successful there, need to have the perfect family, need to be somebody that is admired by all, needs, needs! Once one gets into this groove, there is a never ending spiral, and life goes by without you even noticing. Stop, smell the roses, you don't need the alcohol, the admiration, you just need to cool it and take one thing at a time, relax, and enjoy life!
Time passes at the same speed for us all. Each hour has sixty minutes and each day is twenty-four hours long. Yet it does not seem that way. Some hours fly by so quickly that we wonder where the time has gone.
Others drag so unmercifully that we become fretful, frustrated and bored. Any allotment of time has to be measured, not just in minutes or hours, but in terms of our experience of it. It is even possible to get so engrossed in what we are doing that we forget to measure time at all.
Any person who has spent much time drinking and then stops is obviously going to have a lot of time on his hands. At first this is a frightening prospect. The thought of all those evenings with nothing to do, all those weekends to be faced without benefit of chemical escape is enough to dismay even the bravest optimist.
In fact, the reality is sometimes even worse than the anticipation. More than one person has returned to "the sauce" out of sheer boredom. The first way to think of time, therefore is to plan how to use it. Evenings don't have to be a bore or weekends a drag. Not if you use some imagination. Not if you plan.
The operative word is plan. Know in advance just what you are going to do. This is something more than deciding how you are going to put in time. It is planning how to take advantage of the fact that all that time is available to be used in such stimulating and challenging ways that life takes on a whole new flavour. Sidney Katz calls it "life style modification". The other attitude toward time is one of respect. The old proverb declares that time heals all wounds. (My daughter once had a motto hanging in her kitchen which said that time wounds all heels!).
There are some things, including recovery from addiction, that can be achieved only over an extended period of time. There is no short-cut. There is no way in which habit patterns developed over a number of years can suddenly be replaced by a set of new ones. This goes against our ingrained impatience.
We live in the day of instant solutions. There is a pill for every pain. Fast relief is the motto that attracts. Instant coffee, instant breakfast, instant biscuits have a ready market.
When I was a boy two trains a day went through our town headed for Toronto. If you missed the one in the morning, you waited for the one in the evening. Now there is impatience if you miss a slot in the revolving door. It is not easy to wait patiently for time to do its healing work. Yet it is the necessity that each person faces who is working to recovery.
Some relapse because they expect too much too soon. Many more have discovered that, if you do respect the healing power of pay off is tremendous.
Don says: We live in an age of instant needs, need to rush to work, need to be successful there, need to have the perfect family, need to be somebody that is admired by all, needs, needs! Once one gets into this groove, there is a never ending spiral, and life goes by without you even noticing. Stop, smell the roses, you don't need the alcohol, the admiration, you just need to cool it and take one thing at a time, relax, and enjoy life!
ON STAYING AWAKE
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
Sometimes we worry because we stay awake at night. We might also worry because we do NOT stay awake in the daytime.
On the road to health it may well be that insomnia is less a peril than somnambulism. It is not just those who lie down who go to sleep. It is easy to go to sleep intellectually. As little children we were curious about things. We kept asking why? Why? Why?
As we grow older pride often prevents us from admitting ignorance. We pretend we know. Or we are not interested any more. We do not care to know. And so our minds go to sleep in a world where there is so much to learn and discover.
Oliver Wendell Holmes was in his eighties when he started to study Greek. A friend asked him why at his age he should do that. Of what possible use could it be? Holmes' answer was simply. "I want to know Greek".
We are not as old as the calendar says. We are as old as our intellectual curiosity. No one is old who is still learning, growing, exploring. No one is young who has stopped doing that.
We worry lest we not have enough years left to live out our life. We should worry lest we have not enough life left to live out our years.
It is easy to go to sleep in self-discipline. There are many failures in recovery, not because the person does not want to recover, but because he is unwilling to accept the discipline required to change from one habit pattern to another.
A sign on a frozen mud road in Northern Ontario used to read, "Be careful which rut you choose. You will be in it for the next forty five miles." Good living habits do not just happen. As they say in the self-help group called Recovery, Inc., you have to "command your muscles".
Stern self-discipline is required to get a healthy habit pattern firmly fixed. Will power is not as old fashioned as is often supposed. It is easy to allow social consciouness to go to sleep. Cocoons are comfortable. We can weave a silky shell around ourselves and become quite unaware of "how the other half lives".
One man, prominent in business circles, claimed that for him one of the great benefits of being in Donwood was that he got to know intimately men and women vastly different from himself in living standard and education. He got to know them as human beings, and became their friends.
"Normally" he said, "I live and work with people who all talk the same way, think the same way, have the same values and goals. This experience has shaken me out of my cosy little nest".
We live in a world of radical change and tremendous challenge. Yet many pretend it "business as usual" When Rip Van Winkle went to sleep the picture on the sign on the inn was of George III. When he woke up it was the picture of George Washington. He had slept through a revolution!
Health is not simply an absence of physical distress. Health is being awake mentally. It is living a controlled and balanced life. It is being alert to the limitations and handicaps and deprivations of many people around us, and being awake enought to do something about it.
Don says: Soak this one in, it is deep. Copy this and post it on your bathroom mirror so you can see it at the beginning of each day.
Sometimes we worry because we stay awake at night. We might also worry because we do NOT stay awake in the daytime.
On the road to health it may well be that insomnia is less a peril than somnambulism. It is not just those who lie down who go to sleep. It is easy to go to sleep intellectually. As little children we were curious about things. We kept asking why? Why? Why?
As we grow older pride often prevents us from admitting ignorance. We pretend we know. Or we are not interested any more. We do not care to know. And so our minds go to sleep in a world where there is so much to learn and discover.
Oliver Wendell Holmes was in his eighties when he started to study Greek. A friend asked him why at his age he should do that. Of what possible use could it be? Holmes' answer was simply. "I want to know Greek".
We are not as old as the calendar says. We are as old as our intellectual curiosity. No one is old who is still learning, growing, exploring. No one is young who has stopped doing that.
We worry lest we not have enough years left to live out our life. We should worry lest we have not enough life left to live out our years.
It is easy to go to sleep in self-discipline. There are many failures in recovery, not because the person does not want to recover, but because he is unwilling to accept the discipline required to change from one habit pattern to another.
A sign on a frozen mud road in Northern Ontario used to read, "Be careful which rut you choose. You will be in it for the next forty five miles." Good living habits do not just happen. As they say in the self-help group called Recovery, Inc., you have to "command your muscles".
Stern self-discipline is required to get a healthy habit pattern firmly fixed. Will power is not as old fashioned as is often supposed. It is easy to allow social consciouness to go to sleep. Cocoons are comfortable. We can weave a silky shell around ourselves and become quite unaware of "how the other half lives".
One man, prominent in business circles, claimed that for him one of the great benefits of being in Donwood was that he got to know intimately men and women vastly different from himself in living standard and education. He got to know them as human beings, and became their friends.
"Normally" he said, "I live and work with people who all talk the same way, think the same way, have the same values and goals. This experience has shaken me out of my cosy little nest".
We live in a world of radical change and tremendous challenge. Yet many pretend it "business as usual" When Rip Van Winkle went to sleep the picture on the sign on the inn was of George III. When he woke up it was the picture of George Washington. He had slept through a revolution!
Health is not simply an absence of physical distress. Health is being awake mentally. It is living a controlled and balanced life. It is being alert to the limitations and handicaps and deprivations of many people around us, and being awake enought to do something about it.
Don says: Soak this one in, it is deep. Copy this and post it on your bathroom mirror so you can see it at the beginning of each day.
A MAN CALLED JOHN
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
There is a man called John.
As a boy he learned things that have influenced his performance as a man. Patterns were imprinted that are stil part of what he is. He learned, for example, that when he excelled he was praised and applauded. When he failed, he noted a look of sadness in his mother's eye. As a good boy, he enjoyed parental favour. Badness let to crises in the woodshed.
Out of all this John learned something. To win favour, he must excel. Popularity must be earned. Weaknesses must be hidden. Only his "good" side can he afford to expose to public view.
When John fails, as he sometimes does, he is desolate. His self-confidence takes a beating. He knows other people must dislike and even despise him. The only way back to favour that he knows is to work overtime at a superman performance.
Have you met John? Do you like him? Is he the sort of person whose company you seek out, and with whom you can relax and be yourself?
In this pursuit of health, one of the key words is identity. Whatever else it means, it includes knowing and accepting one's self as one really is. I have strong points and I have weak points. So do you. Mine are different from yours. Each one of us has a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses.
As the song says, "I've gotta be me". That's not where the story ends, but it is where it has to begin. I am just me. You are just you. We might as well get used to it, accept one another, and start from there.
Don says: Do you see yourself here? If so, look specifically at your strong and weak points, and see how you can improve your life by changing them
There is a man called John.
As a boy he learned things that have influenced his performance as a man. Patterns were imprinted that are stil part of what he is. He learned, for example, that when he excelled he was praised and applauded. When he failed, he noted a look of sadness in his mother's eye. As a good boy, he enjoyed parental favour. Badness let to crises in the woodshed.
Out of all this John learned something. To win favour, he must excel. Popularity must be earned. Weaknesses must be hidden. Only his "good" side can he afford to expose to public view.
When John fails, as he sometimes does, he is desolate. His self-confidence takes a beating. He knows other people must dislike and even despise him. The only way back to favour that he knows is to work overtime at a superman performance.
Have you met John? Do you like him? Is he the sort of person whose company you seek out, and with whom you can relax and be yourself?
In this pursuit of health, one of the key words is identity. Whatever else it means, it includes knowing and accepting one's self as one really is. I have strong points and I have weak points. So do you. Mine are different from yours. Each one of us has a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses.
As the song says, "I've gotta be me". That's not where the story ends, but it is where it has to begin. I am just me. You are just you. We might as well get used to it, accept one another, and start from there.
Don says: Do you see yourself here? If so, look specifically at your strong and weak points, and see how you can improve your life by changing them
FEELINGS OF GUILT
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
There have been several people recently who have expressed feeling of guilt over things done in the past that can never be undone. The guilt weight so heavily that they are handicapped in handling the present and anxious regarding the future.
It is one thing to feel guilty about some form of behaviour in the present that is unacceptable to you at your best. That is normal, in the same sense that having a fever is the normal result of infection. The fever is the signal of the infection. It is the warning bell. You go to the doctor and he attacks the infection, knowing that if that is dealt with the fever will look after itself.
In the same sense guilt is useful in sending up a signal that draws attention to a trouble spot. Guilt about behaviour that is over and done with is something else again. It has no positive value, unless there is still that which can be done to make restitution.
It is natural to feel remorse for something in the past that has caused hurt or has been destructive. But to dwell on it and re-live it and brood over it is futile. It saps the power to make best use of the present.
The only time life can be lived is in the present. We can learn from experience, even experience of failure. But then we have to master the art of leaving the past behind. This not just self-hypnotism. It is an act of faith in the universe. It is believing that the forces on the side of life are stronger than the powers that destroy. If that were not so the world would have gone down the drain long ago. Tune in to Life, or Health, or whatever power that leads to positive and hopeful living. You can trust life to weave the past into the mosaic of the present and the future.
Don says: Been there, done that! I have wasted a lot of my time by rehashing old, stupid things I have done. They are there, we can not change that, but we can control our emotions, and go on with life, learning from our experiences.
An old chinese way of handling bad present and past memories is to envision in your mind a box, much like a safety deposit box at the bank, key and all. Mentally take the memory and put it in the box, lock it up. Leave it there, and try not to think of what you are concealing. It works for me!
There have been several people recently who have expressed feeling of guilt over things done in the past that can never be undone. The guilt weight so heavily that they are handicapped in handling the present and anxious regarding the future.
It is one thing to feel guilty about some form of behaviour in the present that is unacceptable to you at your best. That is normal, in the same sense that having a fever is the normal result of infection. The fever is the signal of the infection. It is the warning bell. You go to the doctor and he attacks the infection, knowing that if that is dealt with the fever will look after itself.
In the same sense guilt is useful in sending up a signal that draws attention to a trouble spot. Guilt about behaviour that is over and done with is something else again. It has no positive value, unless there is still that which can be done to make restitution.
It is natural to feel remorse for something in the past that has caused hurt or has been destructive. But to dwell on it and re-live it and brood over it is futile. It saps the power to make best use of the present.
The only time life can be lived is in the present. We can learn from experience, even experience of failure. But then we have to master the art of leaving the past behind. This not just self-hypnotism. It is an act of faith in the universe. It is believing that the forces on the side of life are stronger than the powers that destroy. If that were not so the world would have gone down the drain long ago. Tune in to Life, or Health, or whatever power that leads to positive and hopeful living. You can trust life to weave the past into the mosaic of the present and the future.
Don says: Been there, done that! I have wasted a lot of my time by rehashing old, stupid things I have done. They are there, we can not change that, but we can control our emotions, and go on with life, learning from our experiences.
An old chinese way of handling bad present and past memories is to envision in your mind a box, much like a safety deposit box at the bank, key and all. Mentally take the memory and put it in the box, lock it up. Leave it there, and try not to think of what you are concealing. It works for me!
ANTIDOTES TO LONELINESS
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
Loneliness is no stranger to anyone. It is a common human experience.
In some it is the major problem of their lives. It is listed as one of the significant contributing factors to this illness with which we are so familiar.
"What can a person do about his or her loneliness?" One thing we discover is that loneliness is not simply the result of being alone. There are times when being by yourself is pleasant. It occurs to me, as I sit writing this piece, that I am alone. There is no one in the house except my dog and me. Yet I am not lonely. And as I consider why, I realize it is because I am writing this piece! I am absorbed in exploring some ideas, trying to work out some thoughts in words and sentences, and so there is notime to think of being lonely.
"Purposefully doing something that absorbs your interest is one antidote to loneliness." Another fact we discover is that we can be lonely in a crowd. We can feel that way even in a room full of acquaintances attending an event intended to be social. Yet there we are, and no one is noticing us or talking to us or acting as if they cared about us at all.
We feel hurt and bruised inside, horribly lonely. In desperation we turn to someone standing near and speak to him, asking a simple question about himself. He gratefully responds, for he felt like an island too and suddenly we are not lonely any more.
"To take the initiative in friendliness is another antidote to loneliness" We need people to help us know ourselves. I am unique, and so are you. But I might never know my uniqueness if it weren't for you Sometimes I wonder who I am and whether there is anything identifiable about me at all.
I wonder, until one day you and I have a conversation and you express your ideas honestly and I express mine. My thoughts seemed vague to me till I tried to persuade you. If I, in a namby-pamby way, had agreed with everything you said I still would be vague about me. But when I am honest and say what I really feel, then I begin to know myself better. I need you even in order to get to know me.
"To be honest in expressing thoughts and feelings to another, and so to become a more authentic person, is a third antidote to loneliness". These are only three of many answers. Sometimes when you are feeling lonely pick up a pen and write out some answers of your own. That is a sure cure!
Don Says: The key word here is honesty. How often I, in alcoholic haze fudged my actions to placate my wife, my kids, my employer etc. Dishonesty becomes a way of life for the alcoholic since he has to continually make up stories to cover his drinking and absences from work etc.
It was a relief therefore, when I quit drinking, to tell the truth, and lo and behold I had memories of what I had done that day, the day before, and so on. I was at last happy!
Loneliness is no stranger to anyone. It is a common human experience.
In some it is the major problem of their lives. It is listed as one of the significant contributing factors to this illness with which we are so familiar.
"What can a person do about his or her loneliness?" One thing we discover is that loneliness is not simply the result of being alone. There are times when being by yourself is pleasant. It occurs to me, as I sit writing this piece, that I am alone. There is no one in the house except my dog and me. Yet I am not lonely. And as I consider why, I realize it is because I am writing this piece! I am absorbed in exploring some ideas, trying to work out some thoughts in words and sentences, and so there is notime to think of being lonely.
"Purposefully doing something that absorbs your interest is one antidote to loneliness." Another fact we discover is that we can be lonely in a crowd. We can feel that way even in a room full of acquaintances attending an event intended to be social. Yet there we are, and no one is noticing us or talking to us or acting as if they cared about us at all.
We feel hurt and bruised inside, horribly lonely. In desperation we turn to someone standing near and speak to him, asking a simple question about himself. He gratefully responds, for he felt like an island too and suddenly we are not lonely any more.
"To take the initiative in friendliness is another antidote to loneliness" We need people to help us know ourselves. I am unique, and so are you. But I might never know my uniqueness if it weren't for you Sometimes I wonder who I am and whether there is anything identifiable about me at all.
I wonder, until one day you and I have a conversation and you express your ideas honestly and I express mine. My thoughts seemed vague to me till I tried to persuade you. If I, in a namby-pamby way, had agreed with everything you said I still would be vague about me. But when I am honest and say what I really feel, then I begin to know myself better. I need you even in order to get to know me.
"To be honest in expressing thoughts and feelings to another, and so to become a more authentic person, is a third antidote to loneliness". These are only three of many answers. Sometimes when you are feeling lonely pick up a pen and write out some answers of your own. That is a sure cure!
Don Says: The key word here is honesty. How often I, in alcoholic haze fudged my actions to placate my wife, my kids, my employer etc. Dishonesty becomes a way of life for the alcoholic since he has to continually make up stories to cover his drinking and absences from work etc.
It was a relief therefore, when I quit drinking, to tell the truth, and lo and behold I had memories of what I had done that day, the day before, and so on. I was at last happy!
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
One of the hazards encountered on the road to recovery from dependency on a chemical is the danger of unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes it is the person himself who is unrealistic. He expects too much to happen too soon. During the treatment program in hospital many new insights are gained. He sees his life in new perspectives.
Where there was despair now there is hope. Plans are made for necessary changes. Objectives are set for personal fulfilment and for family life. He goes home from hospital and starts in on the new program. There are successes that are unbelievably encouraging. But there are also obstacles, often unexpected.
People around him fail to share the enthusiasm for this Great Adventure in Living. The edge is taken off the first fine careless rapture. Indeed, by the third month discouragement begins to rear its ugly head.
He finds himself humming the tune. "Is this all there is?" Is this why the percentage of relapse in the third month is so high? The unrealistic expectations may be shared by the family. The attitude often is, "If only Joe would quit drinking, our problems would be solved". So Joe quits drinking. And the problems aren't all solved.
Indeed, it was simpler before, because everything could be blamed on the drinking. Now a whole new set of problems emerges. Relationships have to be examined. Attitudes to one another have to be re-appraised. Responsibilities have to be redivided. Instead of it being one person's problem -- now a whole family has to take a fresh look at their emotional and behavioral patterns.
The temptation may even be to say "It was easier to cope with things when Joe was drinking." Those responsible for treatment keep saying, "Recovery is a long process. It will take a year to begin to feel the rewards of this new life pattern. It will require two to five years to get firmly established. At first you just have to hang on. Don't expect too much too soon."
But, being human, we do get carried away. Just recognize the danger of unrealistic expectations.
Don says: Right on! The many times I quit drinking, only to go back, were a disappointment. Surely I was a magnificent person!! Here I had quit a terrible problem, and where were all the people congratulating me? Didn't I deserve more? Well I had to get off the pot and face it, I had to do this without fanfare and congratulations. After all I was only becoming human again!
One of the hazards encountered on the road to recovery from dependency on a chemical is the danger of unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes it is the person himself who is unrealistic. He expects too much to happen too soon. During the treatment program in hospital many new insights are gained. He sees his life in new perspectives.
Where there was despair now there is hope. Plans are made for necessary changes. Objectives are set for personal fulfilment and for family life. He goes home from hospital and starts in on the new program. There are successes that are unbelievably encouraging. But there are also obstacles, often unexpected.
People around him fail to share the enthusiasm for this Great Adventure in Living. The edge is taken off the first fine careless rapture. Indeed, by the third month discouragement begins to rear its ugly head.
He finds himself humming the tune. "Is this all there is?" Is this why the percentage of relapse in the third month is so high? The unrealistic expectations may be shared by the family. The attitude often is, "If only Joe would quit drinking, our problems would be solved". So Joe quits drinking. And the problems aren't all solved.
Indeed, it was simpler before, because everything could be blamed on the drinking. Now a whole new set of problems emerges. Relationships have to be examined. Attitudes to one another have to be re-appraised. Responsibilities have to be redivided. Instead of it being one person's problem -- now a whole family has to take a fresh look at their emotional and behavioral patterns.
The temptation may even be to say "It was easier to cope with things when Joe was drinking." Those responsible for treatment keep saying, "Recovery is a long process. It will take a year to begin to feel the rewards of this new life pattern. It will require two to five years to get firmly established. At first you just have to hang on. Don't expect too much too soon."
But, being human, we do get carried away. Just recognize the danger of unrealistic expectations.
Don says: Right on! The many times I quit drinking, only to go back, were a disappointment. Surely I was a magnificent person!! Here I had quit a terrible problem, and where were all the people congratulating me? Didn't I deserve more? Well I had to get off the pot and face it, I had to do this without fanfare and congratulations. After all I was only becoming human again!
TIME TO GROW UP
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
The fact that a person has reached the age of twenty-one does not mean necessarily that he has grown up. We never quite grow up, any of us. Growing is living and living is growing. When you stop growing you are dead, whether they have buried you yet or not. How, then, do we grow up?
One way is that we progress from self-centredness to becomin a living, functioning part of the world we live in. A baby begins by being entirely self-centred. His own needs are his only concern. Growth means increasing awareness of the world around him and participation in it.
Dennis the Menace, in the comic strips, was sweet and appealing because, in his child-like way, he always wanted to do the thing that pleased him. But Dennis grows up. At least we hope he does.
Yet grown men with nothing but a little furry fringe on top are still seen behaving like Dennis the Menace, pretending that nothing matters, but to do what pleases them without consideration for anyone else around them The world is simply a giant nipple on which they suck.
We also can grow in imagination. I do not mean dreaming about things that are not so. I mean rather the ability to put yourself in the other person's place. Imagine what it must feel like to be in his shoes, and then treat him as you would like to be treated if you were he.
One reason for our thoughtlessness in word and act is that we have never grown in the ability to imagine what the other person is feeling. Most important of all is the need to grow in willingness to be responsible for our own behavior. This seems the hardest of all. Johhny fails at school and explains, "the stupid teachers can't teach."
Joe does not progress in business. It is the fault of the government.
Bill is unhappy because his parents made such a mess of bringing him up. Fred drinks because his wife drove him to it.
I am still a childish child until I acknowledge that I am responsible for me. In many ways we differ, but we are all together in this one. We all need to grow up.
Don says: The key words are "grow up". Sometimes we as alcoholics look at the world through the eyes of a child, and a naughty one at that. Poor us! Who will pick us up when we pass out, or soil our shorts, or insult the boss or a neighbor. Who will hold our hand when all seems to go well and we don't seem able to make it. It is OUR responsibility to govern our lives and actions so GROW UP.
The fact that a person has reached the age of twenty-one does not mean necessarily that he has grown up. We never quite grow up, any of us. Growing is living and living is growing. When you stop growing you are dead, whether they have buried you yet or not. How, then, do we grow up?
One way is that we progress from self-centredness to becomin a living, functioning part of the world we live in. A baby begins by being entirely self-centred. His own needs are his only concern. Growth means increasing awareness of the world around him and participation in it.
Dennis the Menace, in the comic strips, was sweet and appealing because, in his child-like way, he always wanted to do the thing that pleased him. But Dennis grows up. At least we hope he does.
Yet grown men with nothing but a little furry fringe on top are still seen behaving like Dennis the Menace, pretending that nothing matters, but to do what pleases them without consideration for anyone else around them The world is simply a giant nipple on which they suck.
We also can grow in imagination. I do not mean dreaming about things that are not so. I mean rather the ability to put yourself in the other person's place. Imagine what it must feel like to be in his shoes, and then treat him as you would like to be treated if you were he.
One reason for our thoughtlessness in word and act is that we have never grown in the ability to imagine what the other person is feeling. Most important of all is the need to grow in willingness to be responsible for our own behavior. This seems the hardest of all. Johhny fails at school and explains, "the stupid teachers can't teach."
Joe does not progress in business. It is the fault of the government.
Bill is unhappy because his parents made such a mess of bringing him up. Fred drinks because his wife drove him to it.
I am still a childish child until I acknowledge that I am responsible for me. In many ways we differ, but we are all together in this one. We all need to grow up.
Don says: The key words are "grow up". Sometimes we as alcoholics look at the world through the eyes of a child, and a naughty one at that. Poor us! Who will pick us up when we pass out, or soil our shorts, or insult the boss or a neighbor. Who will hold our hand when all seems to go well and we don't seem able to make it. It is OUR responsibility to govern our lives and actions so GROW UP.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
In the science laboratory when I went to school I can remember an experiment that involved litmus paper, iron filings and a magnet. The iron filings were dropped higglety-pigglety on the litmus paper. Then the magnet was moved in a line across the paper, but underneath it. The excitement of the experiment to my youthful eyes was in watching the filings arrange themselves without benefit of human hand in ordered rows, all pointing in the same direction, compelled by the magnet.
During the period of active addiction the chemical is the magnet that attracts the filings of our behaviour patterns and gets them all pointing the same way. There is one concern and one concern only. that nothing should stand in the way of the satisfaction of that sick desire. Family, social life, thought processes, activity of all kinds had to fall into line with that magnetic attraction.
One way to do that, you might suppose, would be to change the habits, one by one. Instead of missing breakfast, eat breakfast. Instead of being a lazy slob, get out and exercise. Instead of avoiding social life, join in. Instead of sitting silent in the house, talk. COMMUNICATE! It will keep a person busy rearranging all his iron filings.
There is a simpler way. Get a new magnet. Instead of messing around with each habit and desire and act, rearranging them one by one, draw a new magnet in another direction under the litmus paper. When a person wants, with all the force of his being, to recover and to achieve a level of health and freedom that he has long since lost, a new magnet is introduced.
He rearranges his patterns not because he thinks he ought to but because he wants to And that makes all the difference. One former patient wrote plaintively, "I want to stay sober." He knew the secret even though it eluded him in practice. If he could only WANT to badly enough, the rest would follow. This is the question that has to be settled.
"What do I really want?"
Don says: I want a peaceful life with good friends, a loving wife, kids who have their own agenda, and peace of mind. If there was a magic magnet, things would have been a whole lot better. I had to rearrange the pattern of my life, and boy was it hard, but it must be done, and if done, one will find that there is a great, wonderful life out there. Get up and get it!
In the science laboratory when I went to school I can remember an experiment that involved litmus paper, iron filings and a magnet. The iron filings were dropped higglety-pigglety on the litmus paper. Then the magnet was moved in a line across the paper, but underneath it. The excitement of the experiment to my youthful eyes was in watching the filings arrange themselves without benefit of human hand in ordered rows, all pointing in the same direction, compelled by the magnet.
During the period of active addiction the chemical is the magnet that attracts the filings of our behaviour patterns and gets them all pointing the same way. There is one concern and one concern only. that nothing should stand in the way of the satisfaction of that sick desire. Family, social life, thought processes, activity of all kinds had to fall into line with that magnetic attraction.
One way to do that, you might suppose, would be to change the habits, one by one. Instead of missing breakfast, eat breakfast. Instead of being a lazy slob, get out and exercise. Instead of avoiding social life, join in. Instead of sitting silent in the house, talk. COMMUNICATE! It will keep a person busy rearranging all his iron filings.
There is a simpler way. Get a new magnet. Instead of messing around with each habit and desire and act, rearranging them one by one, draw a new magnet in another direction under the litmus paper. When a person wants, with all the force of his being, to recover and to achieve a level of health and freedom that he has long since lost, a new magnet is introduced.
He rearranges his patterns not because he thinks he ought to but because he wants to And that makes all the difference. One former patient wrote plaintively, "I want to stay sober." He knew the secret even though it eluded him in practice. If he could only WANT to badly enough, the rest would follow. This is the question that has to be settled.
"What do I really want?"
Don says: I want a peaceful life with good friends, a loving wife, kids who have their own agenda, and peace of mind. If there was a magic magnet, things would have been a whole lot better. I had to rearrange the pattern of my life, and boy was it hard, but it must be done, and if done, one will find that there is a great, wonderful life out there. Get up and get it!
ONE THING AT A TIME
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
Have you ever had the kind of day when there were so many things to do that you scarcely knew where to begin?
Things piled up on you. You postponed work that had to be finished and now the deadline is near. You stalled for time and now time has run out. You started doing one thing and then, before finishing, turned from it to do something else.
You were at sixes and sevens. Who hasn't had that kind of day? It makes you feel all "up tight". And when a person is tied in knots he is apt to do something silly. Anything that produces that kind of tension is a threat to our well-being.
What can one do? One thing that helps is to sit down and make a plan. Of all the tasks you have to perform, select one. It may be the most urgent one. Or it may just be the easiest one. But select one and then get busy and do it.
The very act of making a choice and doing one thing helps to relieve the pressure. You feel more ready then to do the next thing. But it be just one thing at a time. Finish that before you go on to the next item. Avoid unrealistic goals. Often we wear ourselves out because we demand too much of ourselves.
We allow ourselves to accept too many appointments or too many jobs. The result is frustration and tension. Once again sit down and plan more realistically. Set yourself a program for the day that is within your capabilities. If that leaves things undone, let them be undone.
Rome, as has been noted on more than one occasion., was not built in a day. I like what one of our alumni said in a letter. "After leaving Donwood" he said, "I kept the same job, but now it conformed to me and not I to it." It's a matter of getting back into the driver’s seat!
Don says: This is an important message to the alcoholic, and the general public who do not have a drinking problem. If we had followed this edict from birth, our lives would have been a whole lot simpler, howeve as human beings we were not wired for all the wonderful things that could make our lives better. Not only must we control our destiny, we must help others to do so.
Have you ever had the kind of day when there were so many things to do that you scarcely knew where to begin?
Things piled up on you. You postponed work that had to be finished and now the deadline is near. You stalled for time and now time has run out. You started doing one thing and then, before finishing, turned from it to do something else.
You were at sixes and sevens. Who hasn't had that kind of day? It makes you feel all "up tight". And when a person is tied in knots he is apt to do something silly. Anything that produces that kind of tension is a threat to our well-being.
What can one do? One thing that helps is to sit down and make a plan. Of all the tasks you have to perform, select one. It may be the most urgent one. Or it may just be the easiest one. But select one and then get busy and do it.
The very act of making a choice and doing one thing helps to relieve the pressure. You feel more ready then to do the next thing. But it be just one thing at a time. Finish that before you go on to the next item. Avoid unrealistic goals. Often we wear ourselves out because we demand too much of ourselves.
We allow ourselves to accept too many appointments or too many jobs. The result is frustration and tension. Once again sit down and plan more realistically. Set yourself a program for the day that is within your capabilities. If that leaves things undone, let them be undone.
Rome, as has been noted on more than one occasion., was not built in a day. I like what one of our alumni said in a letter. "After leaving Donwood" he said, "I kept the same job, but now it conformed to me and not I to it." It's a matter of getting back into the driver’s seat!
Don says: This is an important message to the alcoholic, and the general public who do not have a drinking problem. If we had followed this edict from birth, our lives would have been a whole lot simpler, howeve as human beings we were not wired for all the wonderful things that could make our lives better. Not only must we control our destiny, we must help others to do so.
THE CONSIDERATE MAN
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
When Jack went home from Donwood there was one lesson he had learned well. He had learned the importance of expressing his feelings.
"Don't bottle up your feelings so much", he had been told. "That is dangerous. It is unhealthy. If you are angry, express your anger. If you are frustrated, talk it out. Otherwise your feelings just build up until one day there is a great explosion"
Jack also learned that being honest about his feelings helped him to know himself. It helped other people to know him better. It gave him a feeling of confidence to be so open. It helped communication with his wife and other people. And so Jack expressed his feelings.
Since he ran into many disturbing situations he was often angry. And he didn't hold it in. He sounded off. He told people exactly how he felt about them. He let them have it, both barrels. And, of course, when it was all over he felt better. Jack had gotten rid of his anger.
He soon discovered, however, that Jill his wife had feelings too. When he let fly a barrage of angry words in her direction, Jill tried to keep her cool. But that was not good for her. She became all upset. She soon decided that if it was good for Jack to express his anger it was good for her as well. Sauce for the gander is also sauce for the goose.
And so it came to pass that for a few months Jank and Jill had some angry quarrels that made the rafters ring. It was Jill who decided that something had to be done about it. They went together to talk with someone whose judgment they trusted. They described what was happening to them. As a result of that interview they have taken a second look. They still recognize the importance of the kind of talk that expresses what they really feel. But now they are seeing that consideration for the feelings of the other person is important too.
Thoughtfulness, consideration, respect, a desire to help and not hurt have still not gone out of style. Concern for the dignity of the other person is a feeling too. And it needs to be expressed not just occasionally but should inform and effect the expression of all other feelings. Things have changed now around the old home. Jack and Jill are closer than they have ever been before. Every day they talk about the things that really matter to them. Part of the reason is that they both open up and expose how they really feel about life and about one another. But another part - a most important part - of the reason is simply this Jack has become a considerate man.
Don says: "Thoughtfulness, consideration, respect, a desire to help and not hurt", what a bevy of words that would make our lives so much happier! We don't have to be alcoholics to use the meaning of these words. Love is another word that can do wonders. When was the last time you told your wife that you loved her? Love, a simple short word, but so powerful! Tell her the next time you see her, and often after that.
When Jack went home from Donwood there was one lesson he had learned well. He had learned the importance of expressing his feelings.
"Don't bottle up your feelings so much", he had been told. "That is dangerous. It is unhealthy. If you are angry, express your anger. If you are frustrated, talk it out. Otherwise your feelings just build up until one day there is a great explosion"
Jack also learned that being honest about his feelings helped him to know himself. It helped other people to know him better. It gave him a feeling of confidence to be so open. It helped communication with his wife and other people. And so Jack expressed his feelings.
Since he ran into many disturbing situations he was often angry. And he didn't hold it in. He sounded off. He told people exactly how he felt about them. He let them have it, both barrels. And, of course, when it was all over he felt better. Jack had gotten rid of his anger.
He soon discovered, however, that Jill his wife had feelings too. When he let fly a barrage of angry words in her direction, Jill tried to keep her cool. But that was not good for her. She became all upset. She soon decided that if it was good for Jack to express his anger it was good for her as well. Sauce for the gander is also sauce for the goose.
And so it came to pass that for a few months Jank and Jill had some angry quarrels that made the rafters ring. It was Jill who decided that something had to be done about it. They went together to talk with someone whose judgment they trusted. They described what was happening to them. As a result of that interview they have taken a second look. They still recognize the importance of the kind of talk that expresses what they really feel. But now they are seeing that consideration for the feelings of the other person is important too.
Thoughtfulness, consideration, respect, a desire to help and not hurt have still not gone out of style. Concern for the dignity of the other person is a feeling too. And it needs to be expressed not just occasionally but should inform and effect the expression of all other feelings. Things have changed now around the old home. Jack and Jill are closer than they have ever been before. Every day they talk about the things that really matter to them. Part of the reason is that they both open up and expose how they really feel about life and about one another. But another part - a most important part - of the reason is simply this Jack has become a considerate man.
Don says: "Thoughtfulness, consideration, respect, a desire to help and not hurt", what a bevy of words that would make our lives so much happier! We don't have to be alcoholics to use the meaning of these words. Love is another word that can do wonders. When was the last time you told your wife that you loved her? Love, a simple short word, but so powerful! Tell her the next time you see her, and often after that.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
THE COURAGE TO GIVE IT A NAME
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
Those who attend AA meetings regularly grow accustomed to hearing a speaker begin by saying, "My name is Joe Blow, and I'm an alcoholic."
The startled visitor may wonder, "is it necessary to be so blunt? What is the advantage of calling one's self alcoholic? Well, what is the advantage? A New York psychiatrist, Dr. Rollo May, tells of how, some years ago, after weeks of undetermined illness, he went to a specialist. He was told that his sickness was tuberculosis.
"I was" he writes "distinctly relieved, even though I was fully aware that this meant, in those days, that medicine could do nothing to cure the disease." He was relieved when his sickness was given a name. After weeks of fretting and conjecturing, now at last he knew where he stood. The chaotic and undetermined took on shape and meaning. He knew what he had to contend with.
This is our experience at Donwood too. The first long stride toward recovery has been taken when the horror of existence that goes with addiction has at last been identified, called by name, and accepted for what it is. Honesty and courage are required to face the fact. Naming the illness takes away the fuzziness, the waffling, the defensive thinking.
It nails down the reality of things as they are. It gives a person a place to stand. When the AA speaker stands up and says "I am an alcoholic" he identifies himself with a whole host of other people who have the same problem as he has. His listeners may murmer, "O.K. brother, join the club!"
When a person comes into the Donwood and recognizes that he is addicted, he has the assurance of knowing that he is entering a treatment program that is tried and tested. He is not alone and his case is not hopeless. There is an answer to his illness. There is a road to recovery.
There is, of course, the possibility that giving this condition the name "addiction" may be seized upon by the patient as a convenient way of getting off the hook. He is not responsible any more. The sickness rules his behaviour. "Look Ma, no hands!" There is a measure of truth in this.
Addiction, as we know so well, does result in distorted behaviour patterns. As long as you are depending on your chemical and using it in a sick way, you are in fact n0t responsible for your own behaviour.
But responsibility enters by another door. "You are and must be responsible for your own recovery". Once the illness is identified and named, the enemy is seen for what it is. It is not invincible. It can be conquered. "And you can conquer it." There are resources available. There are people to support you. It can be done, and is being done by thousands of people.
The starting point is to give the addiction its proper name. If you then overcome the disease, you become in a real sense a new person. You are initiated into a new community!
Don says: The hardest thing I had to do was to tell those I loved that I finally saw myself as an alcoholic. My wife, kids, and parents all knew this fact all along, so were very happy to see that I acknowledged, but they said, "what are you going to do about it?" I knew in my heart that, as well as telling my family, I would have to tell my friends and associates. It was terribly difficult, but to my surprise they all said that they knew it all along! And I thought I was so smart!
After a while it became easier to acknowledge my affliction, and over time it became a sense of me, I was an alcoholic! I did not drop dead on the spot, or break out in hives, in fact I became very proud of myself for being a much stronger man than I had ever thought I was. I had become honest, reliable, and of all things, likeable. It was great!
Those who attend AA meetings regularly grow accustomed to hearing a speaker begin by saying, "My name is Joe Blow, and I'm an alcoholic."
The startled visitor may wonder, "is it necessary to be so blunt? What is the advantage of calling one's self alcoholic? Well, what is the advantage? A New York psychiatrist, Dr. Rollo May, tells of how, some years ago, after weeks of undetermined illness, he went to a specialist. He was told that his sickness was tuberculosis.
"I was" he writes "distinctly relieved, even though I was fully aware that this meant, in those days, that medicine could do nothing to cure the disease." He was relieved when his sickness was given a name. After weeks of fretting and conjecturing, now at last he knew where he stood. The chaotic and undetermined took on shape and meaning. He knew what he had to contend with.
This is our experience at Donwood too. The first long stride toward recovery has been taken when the horror of existence that goes with addiction has at last been identified, called by name, and accepted for what it is. Honesty and courage are required to face the fact. Naming the illness takes away the fuzziness, the waffling, the defensive thinking.
It nails down the reality of things as they are. It gives a person a place to stand. When the AA speaker stands up and says "I am an alcoholic" he identifies himself with a whole host of other people who have the same problem as he has. His listeners may murmer, "O.K. brother, join the club!"
When a person comes into the Donwood and recognizes that he is addicted, he has the assurance of knowing that he is entering a treatment program that is tried and tested. He is not alone and his case is not hopeless. There is an answer to his illness. There is a road to recovery.
There is, of course, the possibility that giving this condition the name "addiction" may be seized upon by the patient as a convenient way of getting off the hook. He is not responsible any more. The sickness rules his behaviour. "Look Ma, no hands!" There is a measure of truth in this.
Addiction, as we know so well, does result in distorted behaviour patterns. As long as you are depending on your chemical and using it in a sick way, you are in fact n0t responsible for your own behaviour.
But responsibility enters by another door. "You are and must be responsible for your own recovery". Once the illness is identified and named, the enemy is seen for what it is. It is not invincible. It can be conquered. "And you can conquer it." There are resources available. There are people to support you. It can be done, and is being done by thousands of people.
The starting point is to give the addiction its proper name. If you then overcome the disease, you become in a real sense a new person. You are initiated into a new community!
Don says: The hardest thing I had to do was to tell those I loved that I finally saw myself as an alcoholic. My wife, kids, and parents all knew this fact all along, so were very happy to see that I acknowledged, but they said, "what are you going to do about it?" I knew in my heart that, as well as telling my family, I would have to tell my friends and associates. It was terribly difficult, but to my surprise they all said that they knew it all along! And I thought I was so smart!
After a while it became easier to acknowledge my affliction, and over time it became a sense of me, I was an alcoholic! I did not drop dead on the spot, or break out in hives, in fact I became very proud of myself for being a much stronger man than I had ever thought I was. I had become honest, reliable, and of all things, likeable. It was great!
CHIT-CHAT FARMS
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
Near Reading, Pennyslvania, there is a treatment centre for addictive diseases rejoicing in the unlikely name of Chit Chat Farms. The quaintness of the title belies the seriousness of their purpose.
In my brief encounter with some of their staff at a recent conference in Hartford, Connecticut, I found their methods and objectives to be similar to ours at Donwood.
I admired particularly some of their educational material. They had what they called an alcoholism questionare. The questions were on one page and then one had to turn a page to find their rationale. Some of these I want to pass on to you as discussion starters;
Q. In the treatment of alcoholism, should the focus of attention be on the problems contributing to the addiction? A. No. We feel that the alcoholic can do nothing of a lasting and constructive nature about any of his other problems until he "first does something constructive about his drinking problem". Treatment of causative factors and or underlying problems is effictive only if the alcoholic is first sober.
Q. Is it true that when dependencies on both ethanol and medication co-exist, the addict will be free from both or neither? A. Our experience indicates that the problem in addiction is reliance on chemicals, the dependency on any of these serves to support the addiction. The name of the chemical or the form in which it comes seems simply not important.
Q. Must the alcoholic eventually be charged with the responsibility for his own recovery? A. Yes: It appears that although the alcoholic is not responsible for his illness, he is responsible for his recovery. Our experience is that he "must be charged" with this responsiblity because this is the only way he can recover. Neither external situations or persons other than the alcoholic seem able to manufacture sobriety for that alcoholic.
Don says: The key words here are: "The addict must first be sober". How true. We cannot begin to beat the problem until we purge the chemical from our bodies. There must be time given to let the body adjust to the new fact. There is no alcohol in the body, and now I am ready to heal.
Near Reading, Pennyslvania, there is a treatment centre for addictive diseases rejoicing in the unlikely name of Chit Chat Farms. The quaintness of the title belies the seriousness of their purpose.
In my brief encounter with some of their staff at a recent conference in Hartford, Connecticut, I found their methods and objectives to be similar to ours at Donwood.
I admired particularly some of their educational material. They had what they called an alcoholism questionare. The questions were on one page and then one had to turn a page to find their rationale. Some of these I want to pass on to you as discussion starters;
Q. In the treatment of alcoholism, should the focus of attention be on the problems contributing to the addiction? A. No. We feel that the alcoholic can do nothing of a lasting and constructive nature about any of his other problems until he "first does something constructive about his drinking problem". Treatment of causative factors and or underlying problems is effictive only if the alcoholic is first sober.
Q. Is it true that when dependencies on both ethanol and medication co-exist, the addict will be free from both or neither? A. Our experience indicates that the problem in addiction is reliance on chemicals, the dependency on any of these serves to support the addiction. The name of the chemical or the form in which it comes seems simply not important.
Q. Must the alcoholic eventually be charged with the responsibility for his own recovery? A. Yes: It appears that although the alcoholic is not responsible for his illness, he is responsible for his recovery. Our experience is that he "must be charged" with this responsiblity because this is the only way he can recover. Neither external situations or persons other than the alcoholic seem able to manufacture sobriety for that alcoholic.
Don says: The key words here are: "The addict must first be sober". How true. We cannot begin to beat the problem until we purge the chemical from our bodies. There must be time given to let the body adjust to the new fact. There is no alcohol in the body, and now I am ready to heal.
LETS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS
BY DR. GEORGE BIRTCH
The story is told of a little girl whose parents left her in the care of a maiden aunt while they went on a holiday. This aunt, it seems, was very afraid of thunderstorms. Several occurred when her niece was with her, and each time she hurried the child down into the basement where they hid beneath the cellar stairs until the storm had passed.
When the parents came back and their child returned home they were distressed to discover how afraid she was of thunderstorms. They tried to assure her that there was nothing to fear. They got her counting the seconds between the lightning's flash and the thunder roar. They assured her that God looks after little girls in thunderstorms.
Gradually her fear seemed to subside. Then one night, after they had gone to bed, a terrific storm came up. The parents wondered how the child was taking it. Soon the patter of feet came along the hall and the little girl crawled into beside her mother. "What is it, dear?" the mother asked. I'm not frightened, mummy" the child replied. "I know God looks after little girls in thunderstorms. But mummy, it's awful nice to be near somebody with skin on!".
That is what Christmas is about. Love is a great idea. Poems have been written about it. Songs have been sung about it. Sermons have been preached about it. But, love, human or divine, remains just a great idea until somebody comes along and clothes the idea with skin. Then love becomes a voice that is heard, a touch that is felt, a look that changes how you feel. Love "with skin on" is what Christmas is all about.
Love is still a great idea. We prefer, perhaps to call it "caring". Love suffers from too many definitions. At Donwood, we have a special feeling about caring.
When a group of Donwood graduates sit down to try to define the essential ingredients of the Donwood program they wrote this: "We believe that even more important for recovery than education or therapy is the experience of being in a community where people care for each one as a person.
"They wrote that not just because the ideal appealed to them. They wrote it because, somewhere along the line, caring had had skin on, and that made all the difference. There are various ways of celebrating Christmas. None can be more true to the original idea than if we go a little further and dig a little deeper in making sure that in some special way caring has skin on. Let's celebrate Christmas!
Don says: I like the words "Let's celebrate Christmas!" Dr. Birtch had a wonderful way with words. He had a smooth way of saying how he understood what the alcoholics had to say, and the pain that they went through. He had the common man's way of expressing his love for his fellow man. I will miss him!
The story is told of a little girl whose parents left her in the care of a maiden aunt while they went on a holiday. This aunt, it seems, was very afraid of thunderstorms. Several occurred when her niece was with her, and each time she hurried the child down into the basement where they hid beneath the cellar stairs until the storm had passed.
When the parents came back and their child returned home they were distressed to discover how afraid she was of thunderstorms. They tried to assure her that there was nothing to fear. They got her counting the seconds between the lightning's flash and the thunder roar. They assured her that God looks after little girls in thunderstorms.
Gradually her fear seemed to subside. Then one night, after they had gone to bed, a terrific storm came up. The parents wondered how the child was taking it. Soon the patter of feet came along the hall and the little girl crawled into beside her mother. "What is it, dear?" the mother asked. I'm not frightened, mummy" the child replied. "I know God looks after little girls in thunderstorms. But mummy, it's awful nice to be near somebody with skin on!".
That is what Christmas is about. Love is a great idea. Poems have been written about it. Songs have been sung about it. Sermons have been preached about it. But, love, human or divine, remains just a great idea until somebody comes along and clothes the idea with skin. Then love becomes a voice that is heard, a touch that is felt, a look that changes how you feel. Love "with skin on" is what Christmas is all about.
Love is still a great idea. We prefer, perhaps to call it "caring". Love suffers from too many definitions. At Donwood, we have a special feeling about caring.
When a group of Donwood graduates sit down to try to define the essential ingredients of the Donwood program they wrote this: "We believe that even more important for recovery than education or therapy is the experience of being in a community where people care for each one as a person.
"They wrote that not just because the ideal appealed to them. They wrote it because, somewhere along the line, caring had had skin on, and that made all the difference. There are various ways of celebrating Christmas. None can be more true to the original idea than if we go a little further and dig a little deeper in making sure that in some special way caring has skin on. Let's celebrate Christmas!
Don says: I like the words "Let's celebrate Christmas!" Dr. Birtch had a wonderful way with words. He had a smooth way of saying how he understood what the alcoholics had to say, and the pain that they went through. He had the common man's way of expressing his love for his fellow man. I will miss him!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
HOW TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE
James B. Longley, governor of Maine, was one of the outstanding members of his 1948 college graduating class. After the graduation ceremony, his mother took him aside and gave him this steadying piece of advice:
"Jim" she said, "I was very proud of you today, and I think you will win any honors in your life. But keep this in mind: Despite the honors, ther is one circumstance more than any other that will determine the turnout at your funeral. And that will be the weather."
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Don says: The meaning of this is self evident. You may think you are hot stuff, and everyone is sucking up to you for favors, but after all is said and done, you are but nothing to history, and will be given a quiet goodbye.
"Jim" she said, "I was very proud of you today, and I think you will win any honors in your life. But keep this in mind: Despite the honors, ther is one circumstance more than any other that will determine the turnout at your funeral. And that will be the weather."
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Don says: The meaning of this is self evident. You may think you are hot stuff, and everyone is sucking up to you for favors, but after all is said and done, you are but nothing to history, and will be given a quiet goodbye.
EVERY DAY A BONUS
'Every day is a bonus."
So the old gardener called after me as I began to walk home.
It was a clear brisk day in that recent time when the calendar was relentlessly marking off the last days of allotted summer.
The sun at times was bright, but the air had a nip that clearly announced the coming of fall.
It was this that I mentioned as I stopped to pass the time of day with the friendly old man who for years had been growing beds of beautiful flowers and keeping immaculate lawns for some of our neighbors.
He had been a gardener from away back, first in England and later in Canada.
Since he had retired, he had kept on doing what he liked to do, to the benefit of a few fortunate friends.
As I spoke to him, noting the chill in the air, and the leaves beginning to flutter down, I remarked with bright originality that summer seemed to be coming to an end.
"Yes" he said, "I don't like it. It reminds me of myself."
"It reminds me of all of us," I said. "We all know that summer won't last forever."
I resumed my walk home, leaving the old man leaning on his rake, and looking at the spread of flowers still free from frost.
I had taken several steps when I heard his cheery voice call out that last reflection:
"But every day is a bonus."
For me that day became a bonus. How good it was, I thought, to see a person so happily greeting the last days of summer and of his own life.
The secret, I knew, was not in a passing burst of sunshine, but in his own buoyancy of spirit.
I am sure that when the winds of autumn and the snows of winter come he will still find somewhere in every day a bonus.
The word "bonus" somehow stirred in my mind a buried memory of Sammy Hemp.
Sammy was only a character in a novel; but like many others in fiction and drama was as large as life and twice as natural.
He was an odd individual in J. B. Priestley's book Daylight on Saturday.
The book never attained the popularity of the Good Companions, but, like it, showed Priestley's rare ability to enter into the lives of little people in limited circumstance - an ability perhaps as remarkable as that of any writer since Dickens.
Sammy was a wreck of a man in his fifties. He had a bad leg, an almost useless left arm, and a nagging tendency to bronchial trouble.
He had no childfren, no wife, no skill, no savings. He faced nothing except the prospect of a penniless old age.
What a repository of resentment and bitterness Sammy could have been in the pages of most modern novelists.
But Sammy was cheerfulness itself. The whole factory was brighter because of him.
Priestley gives this reason; He was a superb example of the Christian virtue of humility for, as he asked for and expected little or nothing for himself, anything that was pleasant at all that came his way was sheer bonus."
Sammy in Priestley's portrait was not religious: but he had found a secret which many religious people miss. He had learned the joy of life itself.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Don says: I feel the warmth of this wonderful piece of writing. So many times I have said, "If only I was rich, I could travel, drive a huge car, own a beautiful boat, and travel the world." I came to know that there is nothing substantial in worldly goods. Like the cars, the boats, and the travel, life is empty without a loving wife, children, good friends. As I come nearer the end of my life, (75) I find comfort in a beautiful garden that my wife and I have cultivated, the lovely mornings, in winter, spring, fall, and winter.
Having the companionship of a fine wife to share the little moments from day to day is priceless. The luxury of looking into her beautiful brown eyes, with nothing but love for me is heartwarming. Little things like going to the show, eating out: sometimes at a fast food place, sometimes with a little classier restaurant. Big or small, classy or plain, it is the company I keep that is of the most importance.
I never felt like this when I was drinking. My world was the walls of glass surrounding my liquor bottle. It had become my God. It told me when to get up, when to sleep, when to work, and when to suffer with the inevitable shuddering hangovers. Also it caused me to do things that I wouldn't normally do. Like "Where is my car". I would go outside to see if it was there, if not where did I leave it?
Who had I insulted last night, and who would I have to face this morning, not knowing whether I had hurt someone. Fortunately I had done nothing too blatant, but this did not stop me from going out to do it all over again. Marvelous way to live!
And then I went for treatment of my alcoholism at Donwood. After a long period of desire for alcohol, I can now proudly say I have not had a drink since 1969.
Insofar as the forgoing article is concerned, I know the name of the author, but I am not publishing it because I do not know how to contact him, he may have been in for treatment. If he reads and recognizes the article I would be honored to thank him, and publish his name if he so desired.
DON FELSTEAD
So the old gardener called after me as I began to walk home.
It was a clear brisk day in that recent time when the calendar was relentlessly marking off the last days of allotted summer.
The sun at times was bright, but the air had a nip that clearly announced the coming of fall.
It was this that I mentioned as I stopped to pass the time of day with the friendly old man who for years had been growing beds of beautiful flowers and keeping immaculate lawns for some of our neighbors.
He had been a gardener from away back, first in England and later in Canada.
Since he had retired, he had kept on doing what he liked to do, to the benefit of a few fortunate friends.
As I spoke to him, noting the chill in the air, and the leaves beginning to flutter down, I remarked with bright originality that summer seemed to be coming to an end.
"Yes" he said, "I don't like it. It reminds me of myself."
"It reminds me of all of us," I said. "We all know that summer won't last forever."
I resumed my walk home, leaving the old man leaning on his rake, and looking at the spread of flowers still free from frost.
I had taken several steps when I heard his cheery voice call out that last reflection:
"But every day is a bonus."
For me that day became a bonus. How good it was, I thought, to see a person so happily greeting the last days of summer and of his own life.
The secret, I knew, was not in a passing burst of sunshine, but in his own buoyancy of spirit.
I am sure that when the winds of autumn and the snows of winter come he will still find somewhere in every day a bonus.
The word "bonus" somehow stirred in my mind a buried memory of Sammy Hemp.
Sammy was only a character in a novel; but like many others in fiction and drama was as large as life and twice as natural.
He was an odd individual in J. B. Priestley's book Daylight on Saturday.
The book never attained the popularity of the Good Companions, but, like it, showed Priestley's rare ability to enter into the lives of little people in limited circumstance - an ability perhaps as remarkable as that of any writer since Dickens.
Sammy was a wreck of a man in his fifties. He had a bad leg, an almost useless left arm, and a nagging tendency to bronchial trouble.
He had no childfren, no wife, no skill, no savings. He faced nothing except the prospect of a penniless old age.
What a repository of resentment and bitterness Sammy could have been in the pages of most modern novelists.
But Sammy was cheerfulness itself. The whole factory was brighter because of him.
Priestley gives this reason; He was a superb example of the Christian virtue of humility for, as he asked for and expected little or nothing for himself, anything that was pleasant at all that came his way was sheer bonus."
Sammy in Priestley's portrait was not religious: but he had found a secret which many religious people miss. He had learned the joy of life itself.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Don says: I feel the warmth of this wonderful piece of writing. So many times I have said, "If only I was rich, I could travel, drive a huge car, own a beautiful boat, and travel the world." I came to know that there is nothing substantial in worldly goods. Like the cars, the boats, and the travel, life is empty without a loving wife, children, good friends. As I come nearer the end of my life, (75) I find comfort in a beautiful garden that my wife and I have cultivated, the lovely mornings, in winter, spring, fall, and winter.
Having the companionship of a fine wife to share the little moments from day to day is priceless. The luxury of looking into her beautiful brown eyes, with nothing but love for me is heartwarming. Little things like going to the show, eating out: sometimes at a fast food place, sometimes with a little classier restaurant. Big or small, classy or plain, it is the company I keep that is of the most importance.
I never felt like this when I was drinking. My world was the walls of glass surrounding my liquor bottle. It had become my God. It told me when to get up, when to sleep, when to work, and when to suffer with the inevitable shuddering hangovers. Also it caused me to do things that I wouldn't normally do. Like "Where is my car". I would go outside to see if it was there, if not where did I leave it?
Who had I insulted last night, and who would I have to face this morning, not knowing whether I had hurt someone. Fortunately I had done nothing too blatant, but this did not stop me from going out to do it all over again. Marvelous way to live!
And then I went for treatment of my alcoholism at Donwood. After a long period of desire for alcohol, I can now proudly say I have not had a drink since 1969.
Insofar as the forgoing article is concerned, I know the name of the author, but I am not publishing it because I do not know how to contact him, he may have been in for treatment. If he reads and recognizes the article I would be honored to thank him, and publish his name if he so desired.
DON FELSTEAD
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME
Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm aftraid to take off. And none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game; that the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That is why I frantically creat a mask to hide behind. A nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation, and I know it. That is if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It is the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I am worth something.
But I do not tell you this, I don't dare. I am afraid to. I am afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I am afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh at me, and your laugh would kill me. I am afraid that deep down I am nothing, that I am no good and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything. Of what is crying within me, so when I am going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I cannot say.
I dislike hiding. Honestly! I dislike the superficial game I am playing. The phony game. I would really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you have got to help me. You have got to hold out your hand, even when that is the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathing death. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you are kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because y0u really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can remove my mask. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely person. Do not pass me by. Please...do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing I cryout for, but I am told that love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to break down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder; I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Don says: This is very deep and I don't know if I really understand what the author is trying to say. I will study it and try to find out.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That is why I frantically creat a mask to hide behind. A nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation, and I know it. That is if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It is the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I am worth something.
But I do not tell you this, I don't dare. I am afraid to. I am afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I am afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh at me, and your laugh would kill me. I am afraid that deep down I am nothing, that I am no good and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything. Of what is crying within me, so when I am going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I cannot say.
I dislike hiding. Honestly! I dislike the superficial game I am playing. The phony game. I would really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you have got to help me. You have got to hold out your hand, even when that is the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathing death. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you are kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because y0u really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can remove my mask. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely person. Do not pass me by. Please...do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing I cryout for, but I am told that love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to break down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder; I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Don says: This is very deep and I don't know if I really understand what the author is trying to say. I will study it and try to find out.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
TWELVE NEGATIVE GUIDELINES
Twelve Guidelines to assist you in becoming a well-adjusted addict or loser or slug or whatever other negative scheme you want to succeed at:
1. If facing the truth makes you uncomfortable, then lie; but do it well. Use proper English and a lot of four syllable words. Be aware of the connotations of words, use soft sounding slippery words, and above all make good use of platitudes and cliches.
2. If someone dares to offer some constructive criticism, mentally add up every fault that the person possesses. Convince yourself that no one else's opinion really counts. You are the best judge of yourself and you already spend one hundred percent of your time perfecting the softsell lie.
3. Outwardly sympathize with other people's unhappiness and mistakes; but inwardly sigh with relief. They are really no better off than you are.
4. When real misfortune does strike you; wallow in self-pity. This is the perfect opportunity to revel in an emotion that you enjoy anyway.
5. Always put on a good front. Spend at least one hour a day ensuring that neither your appearance nor your behaviour betray the way you really feel.
6. Never let other people get too close. You may have to double or triple the time you spend on guideline nuber five.
7 Practice cynicism, pessimism and put-downs, after all, meaningful contact with other people is very important.
8. Never admit that you feel lonely and isolated. Healthy relationships will only prevent you from fully concentrating on the guidelines for becoming a well-adjusted addict.
9. If you shirk your responsibilities, have at least ten researched excuses ready. Really work at the excuses, constant practice will make them believable.
10. As a corrollary to guideline number nine, get to know your own limitations. This will help you to come up with credible reasons for not attempting what you don't want to do anyway.
11. Never start liking yourself. Always remember that addicts (loners, slugs etc.) are not likeable people.
12. Perfect the con and manipulate constantly. If you think you are fooling other people most of the time, you may be able to live with yourself part of the time.
A DONWOOD PATIENT
Don says: This is a brilliant work of art! I see my past in some of these but fortunately not too many. You should work on these to see where there is familiarity
1. If facing the truth makes you uncomfortable, then lie; but do it well. Use proper English and a lot of four syllable words. Be aware of the connotations of words, use soft sounding slippery words, and above all make good use of platitudes and cliches.
2. If someone dares to offer some constructive criticism, mentally add up every fault that the person possesses. Convince yourself that no one else's opinion really counts. You are the best judge of yourself and you already spend one hundred percent of your time perfecting the softsell lie.
3. Outwardly sympathize with other people's unhappiness and mistakes; but inwardly sigh with relief. They are really no better off than you are.
4. When real misfortune does strike you; wallow in self-pity. This is the perfect opportunity to revel in an emotion that you enjoy anyway.
5. Always put on a good front. Spend at least one hour a day ensuring that neither your appearance nor your behaviour betray the way you really feel.
6. Never let other people get too close. You may have to double or triple the time you spend on guideline nuber five.
7 Practice cynicism, pessimism and put-downs, after all, meaningful contact with other people is very important.
8. Never admit that you feel lonely and isolated. Healthy relationships will only prevent you from fully concentrating on the guidelines for becoming a well-adjusted addict.
9. If you shirk your responsibilities, have at least ten researched excuses ready. Really work at the excuses, constant practice will make them believable.
10. As a corrollary to guideline number nine, get to know your own limitations. This will help you to come up with credible reasons for not attempting what you don't want to do anyway.
11. Never start liking yourself. Always remember that addicts (loners, slugs etc.) are not likeable people.
12. Perfect the con and manipulate constantly. If you think you are fooling other people most of the time, you may be able to live with yourself part of the time.
A DONWOOD PATIENT
Don says: This is a brilliant work of art! I see my past in some of these but fortunately not too many. You should work on these to see where there is familiarity
TWO YEARS IN HOSPITALS, JAILS - $11,000
FROM THE JOURNAL
Two alcoholism workers who kept track of a transient gamma alcoholic for a period of two years - during which he has been incarcerated 61 times in hospitals and jails at a cost of $11,543 - propose that an alternative to these rehabilitative modalities is needed for such patients. Instead of therapeutic reintegrative facilities, which the alcoholic told them candidly, that he and his cohorts will simply walk away from, the two psycholgists propose that domiciliary residences be established that would accept alcoholics on their own terms, without attempting to reform or reintegrate them into society at large.
The psychologists who did the study are Drs. Linda and Mark Sobell of the Orange County Alcoholism service in Santa Ana, Cal. They discovered during another study, an extremely canny roadwise alcoholic who agreed to contact them by letter or phone collect, every couple of weeks. Following his reports of where had been, they wrote to the hospital or jail to obtain a record of his stay and a bill or estimate of the cost.
Of the 808 days they followed him he was incarcerated on 570, and drunk of 141 others. Thirty-five of his incarcerations lasting 485 days, were in hospitals, in 20 different cities in 11 different states. The average cost per day: $22. The remaining 26 incarcerations were in jails in 20 different cities. He spent 85 days in jail at an average cost per day of just under $8.
The alcoholic confided that when he was hungry or needed a place to sleep he called the police and turned himself in, requesting assistance. If you turn yourself in, he told them, "You get better treatment and legally they are obliged to help."
Asked why he stayed on the road, he replied:
"Because I have developed the loner pattern - if a guy is too nice to me, right away I think - he either wants some help on something that's illegal, or he's queer, or both."
When the Drs. Sobell asked their subject to suggest an alternative to the costly treatment plans that he found inadequate, he told them:
"My feeling is there ought to be a place where a man or woman can go -there are women on the road too - where one can stay long enough to get his driver's license - his records, all of his stuff. Get them together and stay there and work. Pay $30, $60, $90 a month - and get some therapy help during this period until everybody concerned decided it was feasible the odds were in his favor. Then he could go out and rent an apartment and continue to do well - It's got to be voluntary, or it's no good. "You can't be forced."
At the very least, this alcoholic remarked, such a system would be cheaper than hospitals and jails. The Drs. Sobell agree, and suggest domicilliary type care centres might be tried for transients, with maintenance rather than social rehabilitation as their primary objective.
Don says: For one year in the late 70's I was chairman of Alpha House in Toronto. Alpha House was administered and funded by the United and Anglican churches. There were 35 beds available, which were filled at all times. Each resident on an average stayed for about a month, enough time to get cleaned up, medically followed, thus back out to society. These were skid row inhabitants, and ultimately I found that there was not one resident who did not go back to alcoholism. I agree that it was very good for these people, all men, however the call of the street was too much and they went back to their old ways.
After one year I called it quits, I had had enough! The stress was immense and was threatening my sobriety.
Two alcoholism workers who kept track of a transient gamma alcoholic for a period of two years - during which he has been incarcerated 61 times in hospitals and jails at a cost of $11,543 - propose that an alternative to these rehabilitative modalities is needed for such patients. Instead of therapeutic reintegrative facilities, which the alcoholic told them candidly, that he and his cohorts will simply walk away from, the two psycholgists propose that domiciliary residences be established that would accept alcoholics on their own terms, without attempting to reform or reintegrate them into society at large.
The psychologists who did the study are Drs. Linda and Mark Sobell of the Orange County Alcoholism service in Santa Ana, Cal. They discovered during another study, an extremely canny roadwise alcoholic who agreed to contact them by letter or phone collect, every couple of weeks. Following his reports of where had been, they wrote to the hospital or jail to obtain a record of his stay and a bill or estimate of the cost.
Of the 808 days they followed him he was incarcerated on 570, and drunk of 141 others. Thirty-five of his incarcerations lasting 485 days, were in hospitals, in 20 different cities in 11 different states. The average cost per day: $22. The remaining 26 incarcerations were in jails in 20 different cities. He spent 85 days in jail at an average cost per day of just under $8.
The alcoholic confided that when he was hungry or needed a place to sleep he called the police and turned himself in, requesting assistance. If you turn yourself in, he told them, "You get better treatment and legally they are obliged to help."
Asked why he stayed on the road, he replied:
"Because I have developed the loner pattern - if a guy is too nice to me, right away I think - he either wants some help on something that's illegal, or he's queer, or both."
When the Drs. Sobell asked their subject to suggest an alternative to the costly treatment plans that he found inadequate, he told them:
"My feeling is there ought to be a place where a man or woman can go -there are women on the road too - where one can stay long enough to get his driver's license - his records, all of his stuff. Get them together and stay there and work. Pay $30, $60, $90 a month - and get some therapy help during this period until everybody concerned decided it was feasible the odds were in his favor. Then he could go out and rent an apartment and continue to do well - It's got to be voluntary, or it's no good. "You can't be forced."
At the very least, this alcoholic remarked, such a system would be cheaper than hospitals and jails. The Drs. Sobell agree, and suggest domicilliary type care centres might be tried for transients, with maintenance rather than social rehabilitation as their primary objective.
Don says: For one year in the late 70's I was chairman of Alpha House in Toronto. Alpha House was administered and funded by the United and Anglican churches. There were 35 beds available, which were filled at all times. Each resident on an average stayed for about a month, enough time to get cleaned up, medically followed, thus back out to society. These were skid row inhabitants, and ultimately I found that there was not one resident who did not go back to alcoholism. I agree that it was very good for these people, all men, however the call of the street was too much and they went back to their old ways.
After one year I called it quits, I had had enough! The stress was immense and was threatening my sobriety.
BOREDOM
FROM FORETHOUGHT
MONTREAL TRUST
The Self-Inflicted Disease.
A comment that cought our eye recently goes: "In a world that has become a veritable cornucopia of things to do, to see, to read, to think about, never have so many people been so bored".
Probably the saddest thing about boredom aside from the fact that it is invariably self-inflicted, is that the sufferer must endure his illness without sympathy: few people want to share the company of one who is bored.
There is no simple antidote for rules that can help you when you feel yourself sliding into the deadly slough of ennue:
(a) If you really care about other people, you can never be bored. When you care, you give of yourself and the rewards of giving are by themselves a cure for boredom:
(b) Often boredom is a simple matter of stagnation, a reluctance to expose oneself to new people, new experiences, new horizons. A little bravery can win great battles in this area.
(c) When learning stops, boredom walks in the door. Mental muscles require exercise just as much as physical muscles do. This doesn't necessarily involve the working toward a Ph.D., but it does involve the pursuit of knowledge with some degree of enthusiasm:
(d) Finally, many psychologists agree that one primary cause of boredom today is the great availability of passive entertainment and the ease with which people slip into the habit of watching, of listening to life instead of participating in in it, instead of living it.
FORETHOUGHT
MONTREAL TRUST.
Don says: I try to escape boredom since it is frankly "boring". In my personal life I do the following:
1. Go to church every Sunday: it is stimulating to mentally disagree with the holy men and mull upon my spiritual existance.
2. I volunteer at the hospital. It helps me to realize that I have a wonderful life compared to some.
3. I spend hours on my blog - It is amazing how much I see of my past in this treatise on Alcoholism. 4. My wife and I travel as much as we can afford. This is made possible by my being in retirement.
5. I spend many hours reading, and watching good television;
6. My wife and I spend many warm months reenacting with a group of Civil War (American), and 1812 (British) reenactors. This includes tenting, cooking meals on the fire, and fighting the bugs. When I get home we really appreciate our warm bed!
In total, we exercise both mind and bodies, and are never bored. Boredom is the enemy and alcoholism lies not far behind for me.
MONTREAL TRUST
The Self-Inflicted Disease.
A comment that cought our eye recently goes: "In a world that has become a veritable cornucopia of things to do, to see, to read, to think about, never have so many people been so bored".
Probably the saddest thing about boredom aside from the fact that it is invariably self-inflicted, is that the sufferer must endure his illness without sympathy: few people want to share the company of one who is bored.
There is no simple antidote for rules that can help you when you feel yourself sliding into the deadly slough of ennue:
(a) If you really care about other people, you can never be bored. When you care, you give of yourself and the rewards of giving are by themselves a cure for boredom:
(b) Often boredom is a simple matter of stagnation, a reluctance to expose oneself to new people, new experiences, new horizons. A little bravery can win great battles in this area.
(c) When learning stops, boredom walks in the door. Mental muscles require exercise just as much as physical muscles do. This doesn't necessarily involve the working toward a Ph.D., but it does involve the pursuit of knowledge with some degree of enthusiasm:
(d) Finally, many psychologists agree that one primary cause of boredom today is the great availability of passive entertainment and the ease with which people slip into the habit of watching, of listening to life instead of participating in in it, instead of living it.
FORETHOUGHT
MONTREAL TRUST.
Don says: I try to escape boredom since it is frankly "boring". In my personal life I do the following:
1. Go to church every Sunday: it is stimulating to mentally disagree with the holy men and mull upon my spiritual existance.
2. I volunteer at the hospital. It helps me to realize that I have a wonderful life compared to some.
3. I spend hours on my blog - It is amazing how much I see of my past in this treatise on Alcoholism. 4. My wife and I travel as much as we can afford. This is made possible by my being in retirement.
5. I spend many hours reading, and watching good television;
6. My wife and I spend many warm months reenacting with a group of Civil War (American), and 1812 (British) reenactors. This includes tenting, cooking meals on the fire, and fighting the bugs. When I get home we really appreciate our warm bed!
In total, we exercise both mind and bodies, and are never bored. Boredom is the enemy and alcoholism lies not far behind for me.
ALCHOLICS ARE NICE PEOPLE (Buzz Aldrin)
FROM THE TORONTO DAILY STAR
Former astronaut Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin, who disclosed his drinking problems some time ago said he became an alcoholic several years before his 1969 moon walk and quit drinking just two days before the Apollo 11 flight.
Aldrin, now working as an electreonics consultant, said he had previously established a drinking pattern that included two-week breaks and he returned to the habit shortly after he came back to earth.
Speaking at the hospital where he stayed during a month-long recovery program, he described his struggle for sobriety as one of the top events of his life.
Wearing a buttron reading Alhoholics Are Nice People, Aldrin told 400 recovered alcoholics the struggle was constantly threatened by tensions of daily existence and a depression that sometime enveloped him "like a black tide."
After the Apollo flight, Aldrin said, he was returned to the Houston space centre where "I really started getting nasty. I was put on the pedestal and I couldn't cope."
His first realization that he was drinking heavily came when he was 22, he said, and he vowed not to drink while on combat duty as a fighter pilot during the Korean War.
But his resolve evaporated, because the military image of fighter squadron members was measured by who could drink the most, he said.
Aldrin added he did not advocate legal restrictions on alcohol, but would like to see early education on its possible consequences.
Don says: You are hearing from a man who has been from earth to the moon and back. Quite an achievement! In my eyes a greater achievement was achieved by this great man. HE QUIT DRINKING! Even the best of us can get the habit.
Former astronaut Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin, who disclosed his drinking problems some time ago said he became an alcoholic several years before his 1969 moon walk and quit drinking just two days before the Apollo 11 flight.
Aldrin, now working as an electreonics consultant, said he had previously established a drinking pattern that included two-week breaks and he returned to the habit shortly after he came back to earth.
Speaking at the hospital where he stayed during a month-long recovery program, he described his struggle for sobriety as one of the top events of his life.
Wearing a buttron reading Alhoholics Are Nice People, Aldrin told 400 recovered alcoholics the struggle was constantly threatened by tensions of daily existence and a depression that sometime enveloped him "like a black tide."
After the Apollo flight, Aldrin said, he was returned to the Houston space centre where "I really started getting nasty. I was put on the pedestal and I couldn't cope."
His first realization that he was drinking heavily came when he was 22, he said, and he vowed not to drink while on combat duty as a fighter pilot during the Korean War.
But his resolve evaporated, because the military image of fighter squadron members was measured by who could drink the most, he said.
Aldrin added he did not advocate legal restrictions on alcohol, but would like to see early education on its possible consequences.
Don says: You are hearing from a man who has been from earth to the moon and back. Quite an achievement! In my eyes a greater achievement was achieved by this great man. HE QUIT DRINKING! Even the best of us can get the habit.
Friday, July 18, 2008
DICK VAN DYKE
FROM THE TORONTO DAILY STAR
Dick Van Dyke, for years a favorite T.V. Clown, says he has accepted the fact that he is an alcoholic and seeking help, according to syndicated columnist Marilyn Beck.
In a copywrited column distributed recently by the New York Times News Service, Van Dyke told Miss Beck, "I did a lot of worrying. I even phoned Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of times late at night when I was drunk, depressed and on a crying jag. But it wasn't until 15 months ago that I finally accepted the fact I was an alcoholic."
The comedian, who for years carried the image of the ideal family man and pillar of the community, said he regrets not absorbing the truth about alcoholism years ago before it brought anguish to his wife and four children.
But, he said he is grateful his wife never left him.
"Somewhere along the line I progressed from being just a party drinker to the point where I'd race with Margie (his wife) each night to see if I could get drunk before she could get dinner on the table."
Van Dyke said he fooled himself about his problem for years by never drinking at work. "But I knew when 5 p.m. came without checking my watch. The minute work was over, I'd head right for the bottle."
He said last year he started getting the "shakes every morning and had changed from being a happy drunk to being hostile and aggressive."
He committed himself to a facility in Phoenix, Arizona, where he "got help before it was too late" and began to understand some of the reasons I had become an alcoholic."
He noted that commuting between his Arizona home on weekends while spending the weekdays alone in Hollywood where he was shooting his CBS series, was especially hard.
"It was rough. The nights alone were particularly hard, because I had never experienced bachelor life before. I had gone straight from mother to Marjorie.
"On April 3, I slipped off the wagon. I bought a bottle, had four drinks - and got sick to my stomach. The thought that I might become hooked again terrified me, and I poured the rest down the sink. I haven't had another drink since."
Don says: I have the greatest of admiration for this man. He had everything, could have done anything. He chose to face his addiction, and beat it! A wonderful guy!
Dick Van Dyke, for years a favorite T.V. Clown, says he has accepted the fact that he is an alcoholic and seeking help, according to syndicated columnist Marilyn Beck.
In a copywrited column distributed recently by the New York Times News Service, Van Dyke told Miss Beck, "I did a lot of worrying. I even phoned Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of times late at night when I was drunk, depressed and on a crying jag. But it wasn't until 15 months ago that I finally accepted the fact I was an alcoholic."
The comedian, who for years carried the image of the ideal family man and pillar of the community, said he regrets not absorbing the truth about alcoholism years ago before it brought anguish to his wife and four children.
But, he said he is grateful his wife never left him.
"Somewhere along the line I progressed from being just a party drinker to the point where I'd race with Margie (his wife) each night to see if I could get drunk before she could get dinner on the table."
Van Dyke said he fooled himself about his problem for years by never drinking at work. "But I knew when 5 p.m. came without checking my watch. The minute work was over, I'd head right for the bottle."
He said last year he started getting the "shakes every morning and had changed from being a happy drunk to being hostile and aggressive."
He committed himself to a facility in Phoenix, Arizona, where he "got help before it was too late" and began to understand some of the reasons I had become an alcoholic."
He noted that commuting between his Arizona home on weekends while spending the weekdays alone in Hollywood where he was shooting his CBS series, was especially hard.
"It was rough. The nights alone were particularly hard, because I had never experienced bachelor life before. I had gone straight from mother to Marjorie.
"On April 3, I slipped off the wagon. I bought a bottle, had four drinks - and got sick to my stomach. The thought that I might become hooked again terrified me, and I poured the rest down the sink. I haven't had another drink since."
Don says: I have the greatest of admiration for this man. He had everything, could have done anything. He chose to face his addiction, and beat it! A wonderful guy!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
WELL KNOWN ALCOHOLICS
FROM THE TORONTO DAILY STAR
Actress Mercedes McCambridge quoted Abraham Lincoln as saying drunkenness often afflicts men of genius and generosity.
The parade of 53 noted men and women who are "recovered" alcoholics was designed to help dispel the stigma of alcoholism - to encourage more of an estimated 10 million alcoholics in the U.S. to seek help.
"My name is Dick Van Dyke, and I'm an alcoholic," and the list went on, with most making their public admission for the first time.
"For a long time, all of us stayed in the closet," said comedian Garry Moore. "It makes me jubilant to come out."
The news conference was sponsored by the National Council on Alcoholism, a privately financed group holding anational forum and seeking more money for medical research into the chronic disease.
There were famouse people from many fields.
Other performers included Dana Andrews, Guy Mitchell, Tom Ewell, Jan Clayton. There were athletes: Major League baseball pitchers Don Newcombe and Ryne Duren and Notre Dame University's Athletics director, Edward (Moose) Krause.
The Earl of Kimberley, a member of Britain's House of Lords, joined the ranks, along with U.S. Senator Harold Hughes, and Sylvester Tinker, chief of the Osage Indian Nation.
And more: Reporter Adela Rogers St. Johns: TV Guide editor Rowland Barber, CBS- TV president Thomas Swafford: Very Rev. Joseph Kerine, and Louis Knechi, secretary treasurer of the Communications Workers of America.
Not attending, but adding their names to the list of recovered alcoholics, were actors Robert Young and Jason Robards Jr., comedian Shecky Greene and insurance company president, James Kemper.
Mills said he thought he was dying of a brain tumor before he realized he was an alcoholic.
"I guess I was trying to kill myself with liquor," said the congressman whose escapades with a stripper in the fall of 1974 cost him the chairmanship of the Ways and Means Committee of the House of Representatives.
They were unanimous in rejecting the term "reformed" alcoholic, pointing out that alcoholism is an illness, not a moral straying. And they agreed, with laughter and shouts, that it cannot be handled by "controlled" or "limited" drinking,, but only by complet abstinence.
DON SAYS; This a very dated news release, having come out several years ago. Even if it is old it still points out that alcoholism can effect the wealthy and well known members of our society, as well as the lowly in our society. Don Felstead
Actress Mercedes McCambridge quoted Abraham Lincoln as saying drunkenness often afflicts men of genius and generosity.
The parade of 53 noted men and women who are "recovered" alcoholics was designed to help dispel the stigma of alcoholism - to encourage more of an estimated 10 million alcoholics in the U.S. to seek help.
"My name is Dick Van Dyke, and I'm an alcoholic," and the list went on, with most making their public admission for the first time.
"For a long time, all of us stayed in the closet," said comedian Garry Moore. "It makes me jubilant to come out."
The news conference was sponsored by the National Council on Alcoholism, a privately financed group holding anational forum and seeking more money for medical research into the chronic disease.
There were famouse people from many fields.
Other performers included Dana Andrews, Guy Mitchell, Tom Ewell, Jan Clayton. There were athletes: Major League baseball pitchers Don Newcombe and Ryne Duren and Notre Dame University's Athletics director, Edward (Moose) Krause.
The Earl of Kimberley, a member of Britain's House of Lords, joined the ranks, along with U.S. Senator Harold Hughes, and Sylvester Tinker, chief of the Osage Indian Nation.
And more: Reporter Adela Rogers St. Johns: TV Guide editor Rowland Barber, CBS- TV president Thomas Swafford: Very Rev. Joseph Kerine, and Louis Knechi, secretary treasurer of the Communications Workers of America.
Not attending, but adding their names to the list of recovered alcoholics, were actors Robert Young and Jason Robards Jr., comedian Shecky Greene and insurance company president, James Kemper.
Mills said he thought he was dying of a brain tumor before he realized he was an alcoholic.
"I guess I was trying to kill myself with liquor," said the congressman whose escapades with a stripper in the fall of 1974 cost him the chairmanship of the Ways and Means Committee of the House of Representatives.
They were unanimous in rejecting the term "reformed" alcoholic, pointing out that alcoholism is an illness, not a moral straying. And they agreed, with laughter and shouts, that it cannot be handled by "controlled" or "limited" drinking,, but only by complet abstinence.
DON SAYS; This a very dated news release, having come out several years ago. Even if it is old it still points out that alcoholism can effect the wealthy and well known members of our society, as well as the lowly in our society. Don Felstead
Monday, July 14, 2008
I WOULD BE DEAD BY NOW!
I kept a diary for six months after leaving the Donwood Institute in May of 1969. I happened to find it a few years later and began leafing through it. What I went through was pure Hell. Every day there were depressions, nervous spells, constantly being tired, and overall misery.
Following are quotations from this diary covering two days:
(1) Had an absolutely terrible time at the dentist, was in chair from 9 to 10a.m.. - almost passed out three or four times. Felt nauseous and nervous, and I thought it would never end. This absolutely exhausted me but I dragged myself to Donwood, interacted with residents and staff and felt better. Am writing this at 1 a.m. and feeling ok but must watch all these nauseous feelings - strictly nerves.
(2) Dreamt last night that I drank two bottles of beer on top of the antabuse, awoke very remorseful, but happy to find out I hadn't drank!
(3.) Went to work, had a very bad day, and left at 2.30p.m. Standing at the corner of King and Bay Sts. in Toronto, hating the world, inwardly screaming for a drink to settle me down and take away this awful feeling of despair. A real case of flight syndrome. If I hadn't been full of antabuse I swear I would have gone drinking. It was my deep down fear of the consequences of drinking on top of antabuse that literaly saved my life. Instead, I called a doctor at Donwood and got some valium. Often stagger and felt faint. A dry drunk? Perhaps. At least the pressure was released, without alcohol.
As I look through my diary, I can see now that my biggest problem was nerves, tension and the need for vast quantities of sleep and rest. Many times I was to think "why not pack it in and have a drink. Nothing could be worse than what I am going through".
Not all days were bad, but enough of them were to keep me on edge. I know now that I would have been dead long ago had I continued to drink, and by quitting I saved my own life. It was very difficult to do, but I do say to those going through that first critical year of abstinence, hang in there. It will get better, and it has for me. I repeat, hang on, it will definitely get better.
No longer do I have the fantastic highs of drinking, but I never have the lows caused through drinking.
Life is now, for me, constant, it is beautiful, it is worth while, and though it was tough in that first year of sobriety, that suffering is behind me now. It is a rare that I have a bad day now, and in the old days of drinking it was rare to have a good day.
I wake up every day now, and have for the past 39 years, happy, knowing in my heart that this is an unusual day, a bonus day! Life is good! I am going to keep it that way for I am not going to drink today, not tomorrow, not ever again.
If you are in your first year of sobriety, hang in there. I made it, and you can!
DON FELSTEAD
Following are quotations from this diary covering two days:
(1) Had an absolutely terrible time at the dentist, was in chair from 9 to 10a.m.. - almost passed out three or four times. Felt nauseous and nervous, and I thought it would never end. This absolutely exhausted me but I dragged myself to Donwood, interacted with residents and staff and felt better. Am writing this at 1 a.m. and feeling ok but must watch all these nauseous feelings - strictly nerves.
(2) Dreamt last night that I drank two bottles of beer on top of the antabuse, awoke very remorseful, but happy to find out I hadn't drank!
(3.) Went to work, had a very bad day, and left at 2.30p.m. Standing at the corner of King and Bay Sts. in Toronto, hating the world, inwardly screaming for a drink to settle me down and take away this awful feeling of despair. A real case of flight syndrome. If I hadn't been full of antabuse I swear I would have gone drinking. It was my deep down fear of the consequences of drinking on top of antabuse that literaly saved my life. Instead, I called a doctor at Donwood and got some valium. Often stagger and felt faint. A dry drunk? Perhaps. At least the pressure was released, without alcohol.
As I look through my diary, I can see now that my biggest problem was nerves, tension and the need for vast quantities of sleep and rest. Many times I was to think "why not pack it in and have a drink. Nothing could be worse than what I am going through".
Not all days were bad, but enough of them were to keep me on edge. I know now that I would have been dead long ago had I continued to drink, and by quitting I saved my own life. It was very difficult to do, but I do say to those going through that first critical year of abstinence, hang in there. It will get better, and it has for me. I repeat, hang on, it will definitely get better.
No longer do I have the fantastic highs of drinking, but I never have the lows caused through drinking.
Life is now, for me, constant, it is beautiful, it is worth while, and though it was tough in that first year of sobriety, that suffering is behind me now. It is a rare that I have a bad day now, and in the old days of drinking it was rare to have a good day.
I wake up every day now, and have for the past 39 years, happy, knowing in my heart that this is an unusual day, a bonus day! Life is good! I am going to keep it that way for I am not going to drink today, not tomorrow, not ever again.
If you are in your first year of sobriety, hang in there. I made it, and you can!
DON FELSTEAD
SUMMERTIME, CRAVE THAT COLD BEER?
It is summer again and "the living is easy". It is the time of year when I used to drink a lot of cold beer.
I can see it now, the back yard, in the shade on a hot sultry day, wrapped around a cold glass of beer. And did it taste good!
Now, had I been able to stop at the first two or three on a Saturday afternoon, I would quite likely be drinking now, for that is called "Social drinking".
To me, then, two or three beers just whetted the appetite, and made room for more, so that, after about 18 bottles of beer, and the best part of a mickey of whiskey, I would call it quits at two in the morning after drinking by myself in the dead of night, landing up dead drunk.
Now I am not going to tell a sad tale of my drinking history, but I mention the foregoing because, even after 39 years of strict sobriety, I still crave a cold beer!
How about you? Do you feel the same? If you do then you can join a club of many thousands of alcoholics that are faced with the same problem.
Having flouted the use of alcohol on the T.V. and radio, and seeing the neighbours enjoying themselves with some cold ones, the booze industry extols you to join the happy crowd. "Drink our alcohol, and have a good time! It all looks great,, and is certainly nice for the 95% of the population that can sit down and have cold one without going ape, and consuming everything in
sight.
If you are a recovering alcoholic and really want to quit, before you take that cold beer, think of what it can lead to: the drunken driving charge, the violent arguments with the wife, the shamed children, the broken home, the lost job, and so on and on.
You can also look around and see, if you want to, the many thousands of people who not drink, because they choose to! The ones who would prefer tea, soft drinks, or coffee. The only difference between you and them is that they don't have to fight the ever present impulse to abuse alcohol. So it puts you in an important category, the person who has guts enough to say no, when your brain is crying out for that drink. Pat yourself on the back every time you turn down a drink, you deserve it, you strong-willed devil!
My wife and I went to a neighbors party some years ago to join them in clelebrating their wedding anniversary.
My neighbor brought out four glasses of a fancy apple cider, with a significant amount of alcohol. I turned down the drink without hesitation, but it looked good and it wouldn't have been too hard to say yes. Surely such a small amount of alcohol couldn't hurt, but could become catostropic as it would trigger my addiction. Fortunately at that time I was taking antabuse, and there was no way I was going to take a chance on a bad reaction. It made the decision not to drink easier!
I reached a point some years ago when I felt confident enough to end taking antabuse. It did help me in many situations where my strength would ebb and temptation would kick in, but I stuck it out, and I have had a wonderful life since!
If you find that you have a difficult time turning down drinks, see your doctor and ask his opinion about the use of antabuse, and good luck.
DON FELSTEAD
I can see it now, the back yard, in the shade on a hot sultry day, wrapped around a cold glass of beer. And did it taste good!
Now, had I been able to stop at the first two or three on a Saturday afternoon, I would quite likely be drinking now, for that is called "Social drinking".
To me, then, two or three beers just whetted the appetite, and made room for more, so that, after about 18 bottles of beer, and the best part of a mickey of whiskey, I would call it quits at two in the morning after drinking by myself in the dead of night, landing up dead drunk.
Now I am not going to tell a sad tale of my drinking history, but I mention the foregoing because, even after 39 years of strict sobriety, I still crave a cold beer!
How about you? Do you feel the same? If you do then you can join a club of many thousands of alcoholics that are faced with the same problem.
Having flouted the use of alcohol on the T.V. and radio, and seeing the neighbours enjoying themselves with some cold ones, the booze industry extols you to join the happy crowd. "Drink our alcohol, and have a good time! It all looks great,, and is certainly nice for the 95% of the population that can sit down and have cold one without going ape, and consuming everything in
sight.
If you are a recovering alcoholic and really want to quit, before you take that cold beer, think of what it can lead to: the drunken driving charge, the violent arguments with the wife, the shamed children, the broken home, the lost job, and so on and on.
You can also look around and see, if you want to, the many thousands of people who not drink, because they choose to! The ones who would prefer tea, soft drinks, or coffee. The only difference between you and them is that they don't have to fight the ever present impulse to abuse alcohol. So it puts you in an important category, the person who has guts enough to say no, when your brain is crying out for that drink. Pat yourself on the back every time you turn down a drink, you deserve it, you strong-willed devil!
My wife and I went to a neighbors party some years ago to join them in clelebrating their wedding anniversary.
My neighbor brought out four glasses of a fancy apple cider, with a significant amount of alcohol. I turned down the drink without hesitation, but it looked good and it wouldn't have been too hard to say yes. Surely such a small amount of alcohol couldn't hurt, but could become catostropic as it would trigger my addiction. Fortunately at that time I was taking antabuse, and there was no way I was going to take a chance on a bad reaction. It made the decision not to drink easier!
I reached a point some years ago when I felt confident enough to end taking antabuse. It did help me in many situations where my strength would ebb and temptation would kick in, but I stuck it out, and I have had a wonderful life since!
If you find that you have a difficult time turning down drinks, see your doctor and ask his opinion about the use of antabuse, and good luck.
DON FELSTEAD
HE'S DEAD NOW BUT
He is dead now but he lives on in my heart.
Bill B. (not his real name) a tiny man, weather beaten by the ravages of alcohol was my sponsor in A.A. through the critical months prior to my getting and staying sober. When he picked me up to take to the Donwood for Alcohol treatment, he told my wife that he didn't think I would make it. I was too far along. How wrong he was! But it perhaps helped me to get my back up and prove him wrong.
This is not about me however, it is about the greatest guy I ever knew. I met him at an AA meeting, we made an immediate connection. He had a checkered life, which led to his consumption of 2 quarts of whiskey daily, and his withdrawal was very difficult, culminating in bugs on the wall, and other delusions. Jack has helped hundreds of alcoholics through AA, and in my eyes he was a saint! What a friend he was.
Jack and I drifted apart, since I was becoming more successful in battling my alcohol addiction. He was off helping others in his own way.
A few months later I heard that he was in hospital, and didn't have too long to live. I went to see him in his room. The first thing I saw as I walked into the room was Jack sitting on the bed with a tube through his mouth down into his stomach, siphoning the blood from a cancerous lesion, dripping into a jar under the bed. A tube was fastened into his arm feeding blood into his body to replace the blood he was losing. It was depressing for me, and as I said goodby to him, I felt that I was seeing him for the last time!
Months went by and I lost sight of Jack. I was so busy fighting my own addiction that there was no time for anyone or anything else. Then I ran into Jack"s doctor, who was also a recovering alcohol addict. He informed me that Jack had recovered and was back counselling alcohol abusers through AA. It appears that Jack had prayed to his "Higher Power" to give him more time to give to his work. Following this he got better!
His Doctor told me that it was indeed a miracle! There was no other explanation for it, and I concurred because definitely Jack was on his death bed. I will never question God or the forces of good again.
DON FELSTEAD
Bill B. (not his real name) a tiny man, weather beaten by the ravages of alcohol was my sponsor in A.A. through the critical months prior to my getting and staying sober. When he picked me up to take to the Donwood for Alcohol treatment, he told my wife that he didn't think I would make it. I was too far along. How wrong he was! But it perhaps helped me to get my back up and prove him wrong.
This is not about me however, it is about the greatest guy I ever knew. I met him at an AA meeting, we made an immediate connection. He had a checkered life, which led to his consumption of 2 quarts of whiskey daily, and his withdrawal was very difficult, culminating in bugs on the wall, and other delusions. Jack has helped hundreds of alcoholics through AA, and in my eyes he was a saint! What a friend he was.
Jack and I drifted apart, since I was becoming more successful in battling my alcohol addiction. He was off helping others in his own way.
A few months later I heard that he was in hospital, and didn't have too long to live. I went to see him in his room. The first thing I saw as I walked into the room was Jack sitting on the bed with a tube through his mouth down into his stomach, siphoning the blood from a cancerous lesion, dripping into a jar under the bed. A tube was fastened into his arm feeding blood into his body to replace the blood he was losing. It was depressing for me, and as I said goodby to him, I felt that I was seeing him for the last time!
Months went by and I lost sight of Jack. I was so busy fighting my own addiction that there was no time for anyone or anything else. Then I ran into Jack"s doctor, who was also a recovering alcohol addict. He informed me that Jack had recovered and was back counselling alcohol abusers through AA. It appears that Jack had prayed to his "Higher Power" to give him more time to give to his work. Following this he got better!
His Doctor told me that it was indeed a miracle! There was no other explanation for it, and I concurred because definitely Jack was on his death bed. I will never question God or the forces of good again.
DON FELSTEAD
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I HEAR THE BIRDS NOW!!!
When I left the Donwood, I was shaky, raw and full of fear. I knew that this was my last chance at a proper life. I was on the brink, one more drink and I would sink into the morass of alcoholism, a complete loss of will, and a complete inability to cope with life without alcohol..
It was during this time that I attended an AA meeting in downtown Toronto at a place I cannot even remember now, except that it was a dingy church hall. There was at least 100 men there, of all shapes and sizes, all bound by that tragic brotherhood of the alcoholic. Coffee and cigarettes were the only stimulants there. There were young and old, poor and prosperous. We were all bound by the same affliction, the inability to cope with life without alcohol.
A little old man got up to speak. He was grizzly, needed a shave, and one could see the cigarette shaking in his old hands. He told us how he had been around the city for years, living on the streets, doing small jobs to support his habits.
In a quivering voice he told of a miracle that he had experienced that very morning! He had the birds! He related that during the former years he had never heard the birds in the mornings. They were a beautiful sound that he reveled in. It reminded him of his youth when he was married and had children and a decent job. But with his abuse of alcohol, he began to lose everything, wife, children, home, and even the little things in life such as hearing the birds.
He had a radiance in his face that came through the leathery skin of his old body. It was not too late! He had heard the birds!
With a shock I suddenly realized that I had not heard the birds for years, and suddenly after a few months of sobriety I awoke one morning to hear them.
It is a phenomina that in the throes of drinking one blocks out all outward signs of living. The love of family, the feeling of accomplishment at the job, the noise of children, the beauty of a sunrise. There are many other wonderful things in life to enjoy, but it must be done without alcohol because it take over your life and dominates your thinking.
My fear of alcohol fueled my determination that I would beat it, and I did. I just passed my 39th anniversary of quitting drinking. Am I proud of myself? You bet! I love life, at at 75 years of age I am bound to go to the end sober.
AND I HEAR THE BIRDS EVERY DAY!
It was during this time that I attended an AA meeting in downtown Toronto at a place I cannot even remember now, except that it was a dingy church hall. There was at least 100 men there, of all shapes and sizes, all bound by that tragic brotherhood of the alcoholic. Coffee and cigarettes were the only stimulants there. There were young and old, poor and prosperous. We were all bound by the same affliction, the inability to cope with life without alcohol.
A little old man got up to speak. He was grizzly, needed a shave, and one could see the cigarette shaking in his old hands. He told us how he had been around the city for years, living on the streets, doing small jobs to support his habits.
In a quivering voice he told of a miracle that he had experienced that very morning! He had the birds! He related that during the former years he had never heard the birds in the mornings. They were a beautiful sound that he reveled in. It reminded him of his youth when he was married and had children and a decent job. But with his abuse of alcohol, he began to lose everything, wife, children, home, and even the little things in life such as hearing the birds.
He had a radiance in his face that came through the leathery skin of his old body. It was not too late! He had heard the birds!
With a shock I suddenly realized that I had not heard the birds for years, and suddenly after a few months of sobriety I awoke one morning to hear them.
It is a phenomina that in the throes of drinking one blocks out all outward signs of living. The love of family, the feeling of accomplishment at the job, the noise of children, the beauty of a sunrise. There are many other wonderful things in life to enjoy, but it must be done without alcohol because it take over your life and dominates your thinking.
My fear of alcohol fueled my determination that I would beat it, and I did. I just passed my 39th anniversary of quitting drinking. Am I proud of myself? You bet! I love life, at at 75 years of age I am bound to go to the end sober.
AND I HEAR THE BIRDS EVERY DAY!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE
We all dream of great deeds and high positions, away from the pettiness and humdrum of ordinary life. Yet success is not occupying a lofty place or doing conspicuous work, it is being the berst that is in you.
Rattling around in too big a job is worse than filling a small one to overflowing. Dream, aspire by all means; but do not ruin the life you must lead by dreaming pipe dreams of the one you would like to lead.
Make the most of what you have and are. Perhaps your trivial, immediate task is your one sure way of proving your mettle. Do the thing near at hand, and great things will come to your hand to be done.
If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill, Be a scrub in the valley - but be The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if y0u can't be a tree.
If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass, And some highway happier make;
If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass But the liveliest bass in the lake!
We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew, There's something for all of us here,
There's big work to do, and there's lesser to do, And the task you must do is the near
. If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can't be a sun be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or you fail -
But be the best of whatever you are!
DOUGLAS MALLOCH
Don says: During my drinking years I strived to do the most, make the most money, be the best in my office, have the best house, the best wife and the best kids. Was I ever fooling myself!
Beside putting undue pressures on me to keep up and be ahead of the Jones's, I found the alcohol gave me the illusion that I could do all this. I now know that I was only fooling myself. Increasingly I leaned on alcohol to keep up the pressure to go on. My family suffered and my work deteriorated as a result.
Since I quit drinking I have maintained a lower profile, and instead of being the biggest fish in a big pond, I found comfort as a small fish in a little pond. When I realized that I was not as smart as I thought I was, I relaxed and took life as it came instead of trying to control everything. I feel good now!!!!!
Rattling around in too big a job is worse than filling a small one to overflowing. Dream, aspire by all means; but do not ruin the life you must lead by dreaming pipe dreams of the one you would like to lead.
Make the most of what you have and are. Perhaps your trivial, immediate task is your one sure way of proving your mettle. Do the thing near at hand, and great things will come to your hand to be done.
If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill, Be a scrub in the valley - but be The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if y0u can't be a tree.
If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass, And some highway happier make;
If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass But the liveliest bass in the lake!
We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew, There's something for all of us here,
There's big work to do, and there's lesser to do, And the task you must do is the near
. If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can't be a sun be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or you fail -
But be the best of whatever you are!
DOUGLAS MALLOCH
Don says: During my drinking years I strived to do the most, make the most money, be the best in my office, have the best house, the best wife and the best kids. Was I ever fooling myself!
Beside putting undue pressures on me to keep up and be ahead of the Jones's, I found the alcohol gave me the illusion that I could do all this. I now know that I was only fooling myself. Increasingly I leaned on alcohol to keep up the pressure to go on. My family suffered and my work deteriorated as a result.
Since I quit drinking I have maintained a lower profile, and instead of being the biggest fish in a big pond, I found comfort as a small fish in a little pond. When I realized that I was not as smart as I thought I was, I relaxed and took life as it came instead of trying to control everything. I feel good now!!!!!
THE WAY TO HAPPINESS
Keep your heart free from hate - Your mind from worry.
Live simply - Expect little - Give much
Fill your life with love - Scatter sunshine
Forget self - Think of others
Do as you would be done by.
Try this for a week and you will be surprised!
Author Unknown
Don says: A very small but potent poem on life. A recovering alcoholic could learn a lot from this simple look at life. Life is very complicated only when you let it be. Cool out!!
Live simply - Expect little - Give much
Fill your life with love - Scatter sunshine
Forget self - Think of others
Do as you would be done by.
Try this for a week and you will be surprised!
Author Unknown
Don says: A very small but potent poem on life. A recovering alcoholic could learn a lot from this simple look at life. Life is very complicated only when you let it be. Cool out!!
WHAT DOES AN ALCOHOLIC LOOK LIKE?
What does an alcoholic look like? Does he look like me? Does he have two ears to hear? A nose and eyes to see?
Does he have a mouth to speak? A chin that's square, a dimpled cheek?
What does an alcoholic look like? Does he look like me?
Would I know him if I saw him? Would I recognize his gait? Is he tall or small I wonder? Or slim or overweight? Is he a lowly farmer, Or a man of high degree? What does an Alcoholic look like, Does he look like me?
I wonder, is he my neighbour? Or from the other side of town? Does he laugh or smile a lot? Or sometimes wear a frown?I s he an entertainer, Or a sailor on the sea?
What does an alcoholic look like?Does he look like me?T he name respects the person, not the nondescript or famous, The actor or the Astronaut, Intellectual or Ignoramus. The are no identifying marks For anyone to see.
What does an alcoholic look like?
Well just like me.
Anon
Don says: Look around you and ask yourself, is that guy an alcoholic? Is that gal a closet drinker, learning to be an alcoholic? Is that librarian, postal clerk, car salesperson, name the occupation, an alcoholic. We as humans are cut from the same cloth, the only distinctions we make are how we manage our lives. If you have an alcohol problem, get some help! You deserve more than you are getting.
Does he have a mouth to speak? A chin that's square, a dimpled cheek?
What does an alcoholic look like? Does he look like me?
Would I know him if I saw him? Would I recognize his gait? Is he tall or small I wonder? Or slim or overweight? Is he a lowly farmer, Or a man of high degree? What does an Alcoholic look like, Does he look like me?
I wonder, is he my neighbour? Or from the other side of town? Does he laugh or smile a lot? Or sometimes wear a frown?I s he an entertainer, Or a sailor on the sea?
What does an alcoholic look like?Does he look like me?T he name respects the person, not the nondescript or famous, The actor or the Astronaut, Intellectual or Ignoramus. The are no identifying marks For anyone to see.
What does an alcoholic look like?
Well just like me.
Anon
Don says: Look around you and ask yourself, is that guy an alcoholic? Is that gal a closet drinker, learning to be an alcoholic? Is that librarian, postal clerk, car salesperson, name the occupation, an alcoholic. We as humans are cut from the same cloth, the only distinctions we make are how we manage our lives. If you have an alcohol problem, get some help! You deserve more than you are getting.
TOMORROW
He was going to be all he wanted to be - Tomorrow.
None would be braver nor kinder than he - Tomorrow.
A friend who was troubled and weary he knew, Would be glad of a lift and needed it too, On him he would call, see what he could do - Tomorrow.
Each morning he thought of the letters he'd write - Tomorrow
And thought of the folks he would fill with delight - Tomorrow.
The greatest of workers this might have been;
The world would have opened its heart to him then.
But, in fact he passed on and faded from view,
And all that he left when his living was through
Was a mountain of things he intended to do - Tomorrow
Author Unknown
Don says: A very simple message. Look at your life - are you doing the best you can? Examine who and what you are. Is there more you can do to help others, thereby helping yourself? Remember, this life ceases at some point. When you meet your maker, what will you say to him when your past is examined. Will you be proud? Or were you just a blip on the horizon.
None would be braver nor kinder than he - Tomorrow.
A friend who was troubled and weary he knew, Would be glad of a lift and needed it too, On him he would call, see what he could do - Tomorrow.
Each morning he thought of the letters he'd write - Tomorrow
And thought of the folks he would fill with delight - Tomorrow.
The greatest of workers this might have been;
The world would have opened its heart to him then.
But, in fact he passed on and faded from view,
And all that he left when his living was through
Was a mountain of things he intended to do - Tomorrow
Author Unknown
Don says: A very simple message. Look at your life - are you doing the best you can? Examine who and what you are. Is there more you can do to help others, thereby helping yourself? Remember, this life ceases at some point. When you meet your maker, what will you say to him when your past is examined. Will you be proud? Or were you just a blip on the horizon.
TODAY
Look to this day,For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lies all the realities and verities of existence.
The bliss of growth,The splendor of action, The glory of power -For yesterday is but a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision, But today, well lived, Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
Sanskrit Proverb
Don says: I think the telling theme of this message is the phrase "In its brief course" (life). I am 75 years old now, and when I look back I wonder where all the time went! All the wasted years. I am pleased that my wife and I managed to bring up four great children, and maintained a comfortable life style. I feel however, I did waste a lot of valuable time that I could have used helping the poor, puting something valuable back into life. I feel that I have cheated myself because it is such a rewarding feeling to put ones hand out to help someone who needs it. I have had so much, and there are so many who have so little. Don't wait, give of yourself. It is a really good feeling.
The very life of life.
In its brief course lies all the realities and verities of existence.
The bliss of growth,The splendor of action, The glory of power -For yesterday is but a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision, But today, well lived, Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
Sanskrit Proverb
Don says: I think the telling theme of this message is the phrase "In its brief course" (life). I am 75 years old now, and when I look back I wonder where all the time went! All the wasted years. I am pleased that my wife and I managed to bring up four great children, and maintained a comfortable life style. I feel however, I did waste a lot of valuable time that I could have used helping the poor, puting something valuable back into life. I feel that I have cheated myself because it is such a rewarding feeling to put ones hand out to help someone who needs it. I have had so much, and there are so many who have so little. Don't wait, give of yourself. It is a really good feeling.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my wholelife problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me it if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abrham Lincoln said "most folks are as happy as they make their minds to be".
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to do just for the exercise.
I will not show anyone that myfeelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly,talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, nor tryto improve or regulate anyone except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometimes, I will try to get a better perspective on life.
Just for today I will do unto you as I would have done unto me. I will think of you as I would have you think of me and I will speak of you as I would have you speak of me. But before I speak of you, I will ask myself these questions; "is it good?" and"is it necessary?".
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy thatwhich is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give tome.
Anon
Don says: The foregoing is a wonderful thought, but it is a full plate, and one must not make the mistake of trying to do everything at once. Try a little at a time, don't overburden your thoughts or duties. Take it one day at a time, and take time to smell the roses. They do fade. Grab the moment.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abrham Lincoln said "most folks are as happy as they make their minds to be".
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to do just for the exercise.
I will not show anyone that myfeelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly,talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, nor tryto improve or regulate anyone except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometimes, I will try to get a better perspective on life.
Just for today I will do unto you as I would have done unto me. I will think of you as I would have you think of me and I will speak of you as I would have you speak of me. But before I speak of you, I will ask myself these questions; "is it good?" and"is it necessary?".
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy thatwhich is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give tome.
Anon
Don says: The foregoing is a wonderful thought, but it is a full plate, and one must not make the mistake of trying to do everything at once. Try a little at a time, don't overburden your thoughts or duties. Take it one day at a time, and take time to smell the roses. They do fade. Grab the moment.
TEMPER CONTROL
When I have lost my temper, I have lost my reason too.
I am never proud of anything angrily I do
.
When I have talked in anger and my cheeks are flaming red,
I have always uttered something which I wish I hadn't said.
In anger I have never done a kindly deed or wise;
But many things for which I felt I should apologize.
In looking back across my life, and all I've lost or made,
I can't recall a single time when fury ever paid.
So I struggle to be patient, for I've reached a wiser age;
I do not want to do a thing or speak a word, in rage.
I have learned by sad experience that when my temper flies,
I never do a worthy thing, a decent deed, or wise.
Author unknown.
Don says: Have you ever had a time when you lost control, shouted and flailed your arms around? Of course you have, we all have! The papers are full of road rage stories, where normally placid persons lose their cool and do something foolish, something as small as showing the finger, to something dangerous as racing. After a tirade thrown at your wife, or your employee, or the girl in the grocery store, because of some small thing that has ticked you off, how do you feel? Better, relieved, or sorry?
Sometimes booze loosens you up and feeling brave, you take on a stranger that may be more dangerous than you realize. The outcome of one of these events could be shattering, and possibly fatal. If you are having trouble with your temper, an anger management course would certainly help. Keep cool!
I am never proud of anything angrily I do
.
When I have talked in anger and my cheeks are flaming red,
I have always uttered something which I wish I hadn't said.
In anger I have never done a kindly deed or wise;
But many things for which I felt I should apologize.
In looking back across my life, and all I've lost or made,
I can't recall a single time when fury ever paid.
So I struggle to be patient, for I've reached a wiser age;
I do not want to do a thing or speak a word, in rage.
I have learned by sad experience that when my temper flies,
I never do a worthy thing, a decent deed, or wise.
Author unknown.
Don says: Have you ever had a time when you lost control, shouted and flailed your arms around? Of course you have, we all have! The papers are full of road rage stories, where normally placid persons lose their cool and do something foolish, something as small as showing the finger, to something dangerous as racing. After a tirade thrown at your wife, or your employee, or the girl in the grocery store, because of some small thing that has ticked you off, how do you feel? Better, relieved, or sorry?
Sometimes booze loosens you up and feeling brave, you take on a stranger that may be more dangerous than you realize. The outcome of one of these events could be shattering, and possibly fatal. If you are having trouble with your temper, an anger management course would certainly help. Keep cool!
MY PERSONAL MANTRA
In my personal life when I feel low or things are not going quite right,
I use my personal mantra:
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
This gave me considerable comfort while going through the hard slugging in my battle with alcohol during the year following my last drink.It was very helpful in my battle with alcohol and I found that I could use this mantra with ordinary lifetime problems.
I use my personal mantra:
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
This gave me considerable comfort while going through the hard slugging in my battle with alcohol during the year following my last drink.It was very helpful in my battle with alcohol and I found that I could use this mantra with ordinary lifetime problems.
GOD GRANT ME
GOD GRANT ME the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
To be aware that the irrations and disappointments of each day are not a perverse plot aimed at me by the world.
To understand that this world is not operated for my benefit: that my importance and its debt to me exist in direct ratio to my contributions and my adjustment to it.
GOD GRANT ME the courage to change the things I can...To eliminate from my environment and its associations things I know to be harmful, attitudes I know to be insupportable and no matter how well I thought I argued them, reasons which had no logic.
And GOD GRANT ME the wisdom to know the difference ......To understand with neither prejudice, self-justification, nor pity, why changes are necessary - and which changes will give my life meaning - without alcohol. A.A.
To be aware that the irrations and disappointments of each day are not a perverse plot aimed at me by the world.
To understand that this world is not operated for my benefit: that my importance and its debt to me exist in direct ratio to my contributions and my adjustment to it.
GOD GRANT ME the courage to change the things I can...To eliminate from my environment and its associations things I know to be harmful, attitudes I know to be insupportable and no matter how well I thought I argued them, reasons which had no logic.
And GOD GRANT ME the wisdom to know the difference ......To understand with neither prejudice, self-justification, nor pity, why changes are necessary - and which changes will give my life meaning - without alcohol. A.A.
THE MAN IN THE GLASS
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Just go to a mirror and take a look at yourself,
And see what THAT man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
Who's judgment upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life,
Is the one staring you from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum,
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum,
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end,
And you have passed your most difficult, dangerous test,
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of life,
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears,
If you cheat on the MAN IN THE GLASS!
Author unknown
Don says: The first time I ever read this poem I was stunned! It is so true. We go through life, making decisions, doing things automatically, interacting with our fellow human beings without really analizing what we are doing, and how is it going to effect those around us. It is easy in the business world to make decisions that will change the lives of those we hold power over. This is called business, we are doing what we are doing because it is good for business!
I worked for a large corporation in my early business years and made a decision that I later regretted. I fired an employee that I felt was not up to par. It was made in the heat of the moment and I felt that I was doing the right thing. Later, I realized that this man had a wife and family, who were dependant on him. After examining what I had done some years later after I had left the corporation, I felt like a heel. But then it was too late. I should have looked in the mirror at the man looking back at me and asked "is this the right thing to do? Could I have helped the man by transferring him to another position or helping him look for other employment. I am sure the man in the glass would have looked back at me and held me to account. He would have told me that I had let the man down, I had let my lust for getting ahead at my job overcome my humanity. I will never get over the shame I feel, but I hope it has helped me to be a better person.
And the world makes you King for a day,
Just go to a mirror and take a look at yourself,
And see what THAT man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
Who's judgment upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life,
Is the one staring you from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum,
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum,
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end,
And you have passed your most difficult, dangerous test,
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of life,
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears,
If you cheat on the MAN IN THE GLASS!
Author unknown
Don says: The first time I ever read this poem I was stunned! It is so true. We go through life, making decisions, doing things automatically, interacting with our fellow human beings without really analizing what we are doing, and how is it going to effect those around us. It is easy in the business world to make decisions that will change the lives of those we hold power over. This is called business, we are doing what we are doing because it is good for business!
I worked for a large corporation in my early business years and made a decision that I later regretted. I fired an employee that I felt was not up to par. It was made in the heat of the moment and I felt that I was doing the right thing. Later, I realized that this man had a wife and family, who were dependant on him. After examining what I had done some years later after I had left the corporation, I felt like a heel. But then it was too late. I should have looked in the mirror at the man looking back at me and asked "is this the right thing to do? Could I have helped the man by transferring him to another position or helping him look for other employment. I am sure the man in the glass would have looked back at me and held me to account. He would have told me that I had let the man down, I had let my lust for getting ahead at my job overcome my humanity. I will never get over the shame I feel, but I hope it has helped me to be a better person.
ALKI
There was a time when, with a sneer,
Someone would shout that "Alkies here".
Once it mattered, but now no more,
That ignorant someone - such a boor.
They knew not the anguish we must face,
Just to remain part if this human race.
How we used to die a little each day,
At the thought of our liquor being taken away!
That awful fight from dark to dawn,
To still the thirst that goes on and on.
Now if this seems like a tale of woe,
It really isn't, we just want you to know.
We're not sorry - we feel truly blest,
That now we're not like all the rest.
We've found a truly better way
To meet our problems day to day.
Rest and exercise, diet, new friends,
A sense of peace as each day ends.
So call us "Alkie", for all's said and done,What care we -
We feel we have won
Author Unknown
Don says: People know that we are alcoholics. Just the smell on the breath and clothes, the glassy eyes, the tremors. They don't say anything that might hurt our feelings, but they feel quite superior that they can handle their booze. What they don't know is that they are sometimes on the borderline of alcoholism. They are "hail fellow - well met, one of us, having a good time at the pub or the ball game. They tread the fine line of sobriety.
Recovering alcoholics can pat themselves on the back for staying sober, as it is one of the most difficult things to overcome. Like any disease, it must be treated until it is defeated, and there can be no going back to the old ways! Congratulations and welcome back to the real world!
Someone would shout that "Alkies here".
Once it mattered, but now no more,
That ignorant someone - such a boor.
They knew not the anguish we must face,
Just to remain part if this human race.
How we used to die a little each day,
At the thought of our liquor being taken away!
That awful fight from dark to dawn,
To still the thirst that goes on and on.
Now if this seems like a tale of woe,
It really isn't, we just want you to know.
We're not sorry - we feel truly blest,
That now we're not like all the rest.
We've found a truly better way
To meet our problems day to day.
Rest and exercise, diet, new friends,
A sense of peace as each day ends.
So call us "Alkie", for all's said and done,What care we -
We feel we have won
Author Unknown
Don says: People know that we are alcoholics. Just the smell on the breath and clothes, the glassy eyes, the tremors. They don't say anything that might hurt our feelings, but they feel quite superior that they can handle their booze. What they don't know is that they are sometimes on the borderline of alcoholism. They are "hail fellow - well met, one of us, having a good time at the pub or the ball game. They tread the fine line of sobriety.
Recovering alcoholics can pat themselves on the back for staying sober, as it is one of the most difficult things to overcome. Like any disease, it must be treated until it is defeated, and there can be no going back to the old ways! Congratulations and welcome back to the real world!
DON'T GIVE UP
DON'T GIVE UP
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,Rest you must, but don't you quit!
Life is queer with its twists and turns,As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about, When he might have won if he had stuck it out!
Don't give though the pace seems slow,You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit
It's when things seem worse that you must not quit.
Author Unknown
Don says: This is a very strong message, and we as alcoholics need a STRONG MESSAGE. Stick to the idea above, and keep trying. It seems darkest just before the dawn, but perservere and you will come out ok.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,Rest you must, but don't you quit!
Life is queer with its twists and turns,As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about, When he might have won if he had stuck it out!
Don't give though the pace seems slow,You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit
It's when things seem worse that you must not quit.
Author Unknown
Don says: This is a very strong message, and we as alcoholics need a STRONG MESSAGE. Stick to the idea above, and keep trying. It seems darkest just before the dawn, but perservere and you will come out ok.
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