TWELVE NEGATIVE GUIDELINES

Twelve Guidelines to assist you in becoming a well-adjusted addict or loser or slug or whatever other negative scheme you want to succeed at:

1. If facing the truth makes you uncomfortable, then lie; but do it well. Use proper English and a lot of four syllable words. Be aware of the connotations of words, use soft sounding slippery words, and above all make good use of platitudes and cliches.

2. If someone dares to offer some constructive criticism, mentally add up every fault that the person possesses. Convince yourself that no one else's opinion really counts. You are the best judge of yourself and you already spend one hundred percent of your time perfecting the softsell lie.

3. Outwardly sympathize with other people's unhappiness and mistakes; but inwardly sigh with relief. They are really no better off than you are.

4. When real misfortune does strike you; wallow in self-pity. This is the perfect opportunity to revel in an emotion that you enjoy anyway.

5. Always put on a good front. Spend at least one hour a day ensuring that neither your appearance nor your behaviour betray the way you really feel.

6. Never let other people get too close. You may have to double or triple the time you spend on guideline nuber five.

7 Practice cynicism, pessimism and put-downs, after all, meaningful contact with other people is very important.

8. Never admit that you feel lonely and isolated. Healthy relationships will only prevent you from fully concentrating on the guidelines for becoming a well-adjusted addict.

9. If you shirk your responsibilities, have at least ten researched excuses ready. Really work at the excuses, constant practice will make them believable.

10. As a corrollary to guideline number nine, get to know your own limitations. This will help you to come up with credible reasons for not attempting what you don't want to do anyway.

11. Never start liking yourself. Always remember that addicts (loners, slugs etc.) are not likeable people.

12. Perfect the con and manipulate constantly. If you think you are fooling other people most of the time, you may be able to live with yourself part of the time.

A DONWOOD PATIENT

Don says: This is a brilliant work of art! I see my past in some of these but fortunately not too many. You should work on these to see where there is familiarity