I kept a diary for six months after leaving the Donwood Institute in May of 1969. I happened to find it a few years later and began leafing through it. What I went through was pure Hell. Every day there were depressions, nervous spells, constantly being tired, and overall misery.
Following are quotations from this diary covering two days:
(1) Had an absolutely terrible time at the dentist, was in chair from 9 to 10a.m.. - almost passed out three or four times. Felt nauseous and nervous, and I thought it would never end. This absolutely exhausted me but I dragged myself to Donwood, interacted with residents and staff and felt better. Am writing this at 1 a.m. and feeling ok but must watch all these nauseous feelings - strictly nerves.
(2) Dreamt last night that I drank two bottles of beer on top of the antabuse, awoke very remorseful, but happy to find out I hadn't drank!
(3.) Went to work, had a very bad day, and left at 2.30p.m. Standing at the corner of King and Bay Sts. in Toronto, hating the world, inwardly screaming for a drink to settle me down and take away this awful feeling of despair. A real case of flight syndrome. If I hadn't been full of antabuse I swear I would have gone drinking. It was my deep down fear of the consequences of drinking on top of antabuse that literaly saved my life. Instead, I called a doctor at Donwood and got some valium. Often stagger and felt faint. A dry drunk? Perhaps. At least the pressure was released, without alcohol.
As I look through my diary, I can see now that my biggest problem was nerves, tension and the need for vast quantities of sleep and rest. Many times I was to think "why not pack it in and have a drink. Nothing could be worse than what I am going through".
Not all days were bad, but enough of them were to keep me on edge. I know now that I would have been dead long ago had I continued to drink, and by quitting I saved my own life. It was very difficult to do, but I do say to those going through that first critical year of abstinence, hang in there. It will get better, and it has for me. I repeat, hang on, it will definitely get better.
No longer do I have the fantastic highs of drinking, but I never have the lows caused through drinking.
Life is now, for me, constant, it is beautiful, it is worth while, and though it was tough in that first year of sobriety, that suffering is behind me now. It is a rare that I have a bad day now, and in the old days of drinking it was rare to have a good day.
I wake up every day now, and have for the past 39 years, happy, knowing in my heart that this is an unusual day, a bonus day! Life is good! I am going to keep it that way for I am not going to drink today, not tomorrow, not ever again.
If you are in your first year of sobriety, hang in there. I made it, and you can!
DON FELSTEAD
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