COMMUNICATION - OR LISTENING TO YOUR MATE

FROM THE TORONTO DAILY STAR

This year why not resolve to achieve better husband-wife communications? This is the recommendation of Dr. Mary Jane Hungerford, a marriage counsellor affiliated with the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles. She suggests you start right away by talking to - instead of at - your spouse, and by listening to what he or she is saying as well.

Dr. Hungerford declares that communication, or the lack of it, is the "number one problem" with most couples who have been married for many years. To remedy this, she recommends they set aside a specific time each evening, perhaps 10 or 15 minutes, for really talking to one another.

They might alternate, she says, with the husband having one night to air his views and the wife the next. When it's the husband's turn, Dr. Hungerford notes: the wife "must be ready to absorb what he's dishing out." She must be prepared to listen whether he chooses to keep rambling on, or be silent...whether his communication is in the form of words or body "language".

On the wife's night, the husband in turn must do the same, the marriage counsellor adds. "Every marriage," according to Dr. Hungerford, "needs this kind of communication." When counselling couples with marital problems, she instructs them in specific communication techniques, including "no interruptions" and "check-back".

During the first interview, for example, she tells them that "if one is speaking, the other mustn't butt in and not let him finish." Also, neither is permitted to state he already knows what the other is going to say even before he says it, nor claim he heard something that wasn't actually said. Should this occur, Dr Hungerford stops the conversation immediately and tells the interrupting spouse "to try waiting until the other is finished."

She also suggests that when the one who's speaking is done, he says "end of statement" to indicate he has actually finished talking.

Checking back, according to Dr. Hungerford, is an equally important part of the communication process. By this, she means restating what has just been said to make certain the listener really understands the speaker's point of view.

DON says: What does the above have to do with alcoholism? Plenty! When either of, or both spouses have an alcohol problem, communication in most cases has broken down years ago. There is so much pain in the family tied to alcoholism, work problems, driving problems, you name it. When the alcoholic decides to stop drinking, the work of reconstructing the marriage must start, and there is no doubt that a professional must be contacted. There will be lots of work to be done, and much pain, but it will result in a much happier marriage, and if children are involved they will really benefit.