Tuesday, January 13, 2009

REMEMBER WHEN, WAS THAT ME?

For all you recovering, or, practising alcoholics: Try this exercise the next time you wake up early in the morning.

Pretend that you have been drinking steadily for the past couple of weeks, but last night was the daddy of them all. You had a blackout - you are not sure where the car is. Your head aches, you have stomach pains. Bleary, soggy eyes, furry mouth - and your false teeth - are they still in your mouth. (if not, where can they be?).

There is a bottle on the floor with some booze in it. Maybe there is enough to settle my nerves. I am shaking inside, and out. Roll over - there's my wife - sleeping peacefully, but what hell have I put her through lately?

Will she wake up with the usual hurt in her eyes? Have I let her down again?

Was I supposed to be home for dinner last night? Did we have company? I can't remember whether they were here when I came home.

Maybe some more sleep will help, but I can't for the shaking and nausea. Dammit all, I'm not to blame for this mess. It is my boss - he must have some personal problems. He pressures me all the time - he doesn't understand me; a little drink once in a while doesn't hurt.

What the hell does he mean that I've got a problem with alcohol - what does he expect - with all my problems and pressures. A fellow has to get away from it all, once in a while.

The other guys at the job - they don't have the same problems and pressures that I have - kids, a mortgage, food bills. No, I can't be blamed for taking a drink once in a while, so I lose a little time at work, I will make it up some time in the future.

About work: I have to be in the office in a little while. Wonder if I can stop shaking long enough to shave. Will I be able to make it through to get to that noon drink. I don't want to drink on the job - only alcoholics do that. The kids have been acting strangely lately. They avoid me. It must be growing pains. I notice they don't bring their friends around so much lately. I can't understand that. Must have a talk with the them sometime and see if I can straighten out their problems. After all what is a father for?

Life feels hopeless. I feel like crying. The whole world is against me, and I don't know why. Now, snap out of this bad dream!

Back to the present, what a relief!

After my time at Donwood, and follow up after I was released, and with good friends at AA, the following happened: I haven't been drinking for quite a while. I can smell the morning - the sun feels warm. For the first time in a long time there is nothing to be ashamed of, I can remember everything I did yesterday, and last night, and for a long time.

When she wakes, my wife will smile at me, the look of love has returned. I am a worthwhile person. The kids will swarm in, I am their buddy now. I do a lot of things with them and they have come to love and respect me.

The job: Now I can face the boss and he will grin at me, asking how I am, that fine morning. I am now doing a good job, and I am not as easy to replace now.

The boss must have cleared up his personal problems. I smile to myself when I think of how stupid it was to think this. All the problems were mine, and they went away as soon as I quit drinking.

LIFE IS NOW BEAUTIFUL, I am King of the World! I can face all difficulties with a clear head, but with the lingering thought that I had better not go back to my old destructive ways, or I will throw everything away.

NO PROBLEM IS TOO BIG NOW. Nothing can bother me now as long as I stay sober.

DON FELSTEAD

DON says: This article is a diary of some of the things I, and others, have faced. It was written in June of 1972. This year I have been dead sober for 39 years. Am I proud? YOU BET YOUR LIFE!

No comments: