IT HELPS TO LOOK BACK

Over the last few years I have been encountering an increasingly large number of people who seem to be able to stay sober for a few months at a time and then relapse. This pattern is then repeated - once, twice or more. Something is missing in their lives but they don't seem to be able to identify it. They have a certain air of hopelesness about them.

As we talk, it becomes apparent that while nothing specifically seems to be wrong, nothing in particular seems to be right. Smiles come fleetingly and almost grudgingly - there isn't the faintest glimmer of happiness present or even happy memories coming through.

I ask the direct question "Have you ever been happy?" While there are certainly exceptions, most answer yes. We then try to identify the period of time that is remembered as happy and the people and circumstances that were involved. Once again there are numerous exceptions but the following pattern emerges with great frequency.

Within this group the happiness period seems to exist between the ages 18 to 30 years. Some time within this period they have left home, become established in a job, married - some with young children. They are involved in a satisfactory relationship with friends and often have some degree of community involvment. All of these relationships make demands upon them but the demands are adequately compensated by the flow of returning rewards. The use of alcohol varies from occasional to daily at this point and is seen as "normal" by the person.

During the next ten to twenty years, the happiness and satisfaction derived from relationships diminishes in direct proportion to the increase of dependency upon alcohol. Many can recollect almost desperately wishing for a return to "normalcy" during this period. It is, perhaps, understandable that the use of alcohol is included in this desired state of normalcy.

Predictably, this proves to be impossible. Dependency increases to the point of almost totally obliterating the meaningfulness of all relationships. By the time of treatment, an understandable despondency may seem to blanket everything - where is there hope for happiness?

Well - in many cases I think it is "back there somewhere". I also think that the barrier to looking back has something to do with the definition of this thing called normalcy.

Why does it have to include the use of alcohol? How, in the light of all the grief, remorse and alienation that it has caused, can it possibly be included? Surely the real reward, the meaningful happiness comes from relationships - wife, husband, children, friends and fellow workers. Those relationships can be restored - can again bring the real and lasting happiness that has been lost.

Sure - it takes time, effort, understanding and goodwill, as do all worthwhile goals, but once achieved it could be the very thing you have been looking for - happiness.

Don't let some mistaken notion of "normalcy" blind you in your search.

MIKE WILSON - Mike was on staff at the Donwood Institute when this article was written in December of 1974.

DON SAYS: This is a very inciteful work, and just pulses with the experience this fine man has been able to impart to us. I personally can appreciate his work, as I have lived it.

In my own personal case, I found that it was a wonderfully vibrant time in my life when I first married my wife Diane. The job progressed, children came, and with all the involvement with four children time flew. I found that the job became more difficult, bringing pressures I had never had. The alcohol helped me to deal with the pressures, and the difficulties of bringing up children. My wife was the rock of Gibralter during this time, and I bless her for putting up with me. She stuck by me all the way through many tough times. There were ups and downs, but we made it, and this year (2009) we are celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary. Thank God for his tender mercies!