COMMUNICATION

We communicate with each other in many ways--by our facial expressions, our body movements, through the sex act, even by the way we walk or the tone of our voice.

But most often we communicate with words.

The English language is a very precise tool, providing us with words to express just about any idea or feeling we might have. And yet we often have such difficulty saying what we mean to say.

One of the reasons for this is that someone else may not hear the same thing we think we are saying, even though they hear the words. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear, not what is really said.

Words or phrases may carry a different meaning for each of two people because they have heard them in different circumstances, in happy or unhappy surroundings, or used in different ways.

Often words get "loaded" - that is they carry an emotional load of meaning beyond the original one. Almost any sentence starting with "You always"...or "You never..." can be said to be "loaded" since they convey a whole host of overtones about the past as well as the present statement. These kinds of words act as roadblocks when we are talking with someone. They cause the other person to put up a wall of resistance that stops any meaningful communication from taking place.

Sometimes the hardest part of communicating with someone else is getting started. A smile may help; a word of praise about how the other person looks or something nice he or she has done recently may pave the way.

When speaking with another person, the short, simple words that come naturally are usually best. A large vocabulary or the use of a lot of "high falutin" words does not by any means automatically improve communication.

It may, in face, break it down altogether. One of the most inspiring speakers and writers of this century, Sir Winston Churchill, used the common, short words of the English language with enormous effect to inspire the British people during the Second World War.

Consider the lengths of the words in these two phrases "Never have so many owed so much to so few" and "I can only offer you blood, toil, tears and sweat". No multisyllabled, flowery terms - just short, blunt words. And yet how much they say!

If you are writing to someone, imagine the person is in the room and write just as you would talk to him. Pretend you are telling him about a thought or an event, and just put down what you would say to him.

Sometimes we want to talk to someone about a particularly touchy matter. After we have said something pleasant, the next setep may be to ask a question, trying always to be positive. Try "Do you think we could...." as a starter, not "Why don't we..."

One more thing. We communicate best when we are honest about how we feel. We don't have to hit the other person over the head with our anger or disappointment or whatever it is we are feeling, but pretending to agree when we don't, saying something is fine when it really isn't , or going along just to keep the peace is usually not the best answer. It builds barriers between people and does not solve anything. Maybe we have to wait until the children are out of the room, but the best way is to face up to our real feelings as soon as possible. "I hear what you say, I understand how you feel...it makes me feel upset (sad, angry, happy, whatever).

When we are really communicating we first hear the other person, then acknowledge to him that we have in fact heard him, express understanding and or agreement where we can, and then, in as calm and clear a way as possible express simply how we feel and what we think about the things he has said.

Communicatrion does not by itself mean understanding or agreement or finding solutions. But, without real communication there can be no real understanding or building or healing in our relationships with each other.

DON SAYS: Mary was on the staff at the Donwood Institute in the 80's. A very lucid and far reaching and concise article on communicating with fellow human beings.