Over the last few years I have been encountering an increasingly large number of people who seem to be able to stay sober for a few months at a time and then relapse. This pattern is then repeated - once, twice or more. Something is missing in their lives but they don't seem to be able to identify it. They have a certain air of hopelesness about them.
As we talk, it becomes apparent that while nothing specifically seems to be wrong, nothing in particular seems to be right. Smiles come fleetingly and almost grudgingly - there isn't the faintest glimmer of happiness present or even happy memories coming through.
I ask the direct question "Have you ever been happy?" While there are certainly exceptions, most answer yes. We then try to identify the period of time that is remembered as happy and the people and circumstances that were involved. Once again there are numerous exceptions but the following pattern emerges with great frequency.
Within this group the happiness period seems to exist between the ages 18 to 30 years. Some time within this period they have left home, become established in a job, married - some with young children. They are involved in a satisfactory relationship with friends and often have some degree of community involvment. All of these relationships make demands upon them but the demands are adequately compensated by the flow of returning rewards. The use of alcohol varies from occasional to daily at this point and is seen as "normal" by the person.
During the next ten to twenty years, the happiness and satisfaction derived from relationships diminishes in direct proportion to the increase of dependency upon alcohol. Many can recollect almost desperately wishing for a return to "normalcy" during this period. It is, perhaps, understandable that the use of alcohol is included in this desired state of normalcy.
Predictably, this proves to be impossible. Dependency increases to the point of almost totally obliterating the meaningfulness of all relationships. By the time of treatment, an understandable despondency may seem to blanket everything - where is there hope for happiness?
Well - in many cases I think it is "back there somewhere". I also think that the barrier to looking back has something to do with the definition of this thing called normalcy.
Why does it have to include the use of alcohol? How, in the light of all the grief, remorse and alienation that it has caused, can it possibly be included? Surely the real reward, the meaningful happiness comes from relationships - wife, husband, children, friends and fellow workers. Those relationships can be restored - can again bring the real and lasting happiness that has been lost.
Sure - it takes time, effort, understanding and goodwill, as do all worthwhile goals, but once achieved it could be the very thing you have been looking for - happiness.
Don't let some mistaken notion of "normalcy" blind you in your search.
MIKE WILSON - Mike was on staff at the Donwood Institute when this article was written in December of 1974.
DON SAYS: This is a very inciteful work, and just pulses with the experience this fine man has been able to impart to us. I personally can appreciate his work, as I have lived it.
In my own personal case, I found that it was a wonderfully vibrant time in my life when I first married my wife Diane. The job progressed, children came, and with all the involvement with four children time flew. I found that the job became more difficult, bringing pressures I had never had. The alcohol helped me to deal with the pressures, and the difficulties of bringing up children. My wife was the rock of Gibralter during this time, and I bless her for putting up with me. She stuck by me all the way through many tough times. There were ups and downs, but we made it, and this year (2009) we are celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary. Thank God for his tender mercies!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
MAN AND MACHINES
We each have our own rhythm, - a moving, feeling, thinking speed at which we are most comfortable.
To maintain one's own rhythm is becoming difficult, if not impossible.
Could this be due to the impact of the machine? Where can one escape a whirring, pounding, sounding vibration from some kind of machine. Airplanes, trucks and pile drivers are only the most noticeable. What about furnaces, refrigerators, air conditioners? Even at a cottage in the woods there is usually a refrigerator and a pressure tank, to say nothing of motor boats and seaplanes.
Man responds to his environment; his survival depends on it - up to a point. By that, I mean responding to the machine may be his undoing. It seems that in adapting to the vibrations of the machine, we may lose our own. We become uncomfortable, we know not why. We struggle and flounder trying to resolve our discomfort. We take drugs or alcoholic drinks to seek comfort - our own rhythm perhaps? but in vain. The bar has air-conditioning, there's that infernal whirring again.
It seems to me my heart beats faster and my breathing is shallow because of noise. When running a vacuum cleaner I can hardly wait to finish the job so I can shut off the noise. How do you feel about lawn movers? electric saws? Maybe people have great big motor boats so they can get where they are going faster and then douse the din. Maybe the kids with the terrific intensity of sound in a rock band feel if they can't beat it they'll join it, so they practically raise the roof with the rock roar.
I remember walking on the seashore at Stanley Park in Vancouver and the waves were far from quite, but a pleasing sound. Then a ship passed by and we could hear the throb of the motors. This was a disturbance to me amidst the sounds of the sea. The vibrations of the machines in the ship were different and alien.
What can we do about these noises that are so much a part of ourlives? We need to discover our own rhythm and then work at retraining and retaining it. To discover your own rhythm you lie down on your back with your arms at your sides in a quiet room where you will not be disturbed. You let go and become more and more relaxed and limp. Then pretend you are standing and looking down at yourself and watch and listen to your breathing. Try not to change it. Just let it happen. You will notice that breathing is not just in and out. It is in - out - rest, in - out - rest. As you become relaxed the rest period lengthens. There is a longer period between breaths. As relaxation becomes complete and you give up trying to control your breathing, voluntarily you will discover your own rhythm. If your rest periods between breaths are brief you are a person who likes to move quickly and vice versa.
We tend to consider people who move quickly as superior to slower movers. Of course this isn't true. The main thing is that you will not only feel better working at your own speed, you will also accomplish more.
Perhaps an easy way to understand the difference in rhythms is to think of a time when you went walking with some one who, say, walked more slowly than you wanted to. Do you remember how tiring you found this?
It seems we must join battle with the machines. Only by determination and concentration can we hope to hold onto our own comfortable rhythm. We surely need at least two periods a day, when for half an hour or so we can give it our full attention. This will eventually lead to an automatic awarens of tension discomfort. Then we change our breathing voluntarily and get back on our rhythm beam.
MARY EPP
DON SAYS: Mary was on staff at the Donwood Instute in the 70's in a physical health position.
To maintain one's own rhythm is becoming difficult, if not impossible.
Could this be due to the impact of the machine? Where can one escape a whirring, pounding, sounding vibration from some kind of machine. Airplanes, trucks and pile drivers are only the most noticeable. What about furnaces, refrigerators, air conditioners? Even at a cottage in the woods there is usually a refrigerator and a pressure tank, to say nothing of motor boats and seaplanes.
Man responds to his environment; his survival depends on it - up to a point. By that, I mean responding to the machine may be his undoing. It seems that in adapting to the vibrations of the machine, we may lose our own. We become uncomfortable, we know not why. We struggle and flounder trying to resolve our discomfort. We take drugs or alcoholic drinks to seek comfort - our own rhythm perhaps? but in vain. The bar has air-conditioning, there's that infernal whirring again.
It seems to me my heart beats faster and my breathing is shallow because of noise. When running a vacuum cleaner I can hardly wait to finish the job so I can shut off the noise. How do you feel about lawn movers? electric saws? Maybe people have great big motor boats so they can get where they are going faster and then douse the din. Maybe the kids with the terrific intensity of sound in a rock band feel if they can't beat it they'll join it, so they practically raise the roof with the rock roar.
I remember walking on the seashore at Stanley Park in Vancouver and the waves were far from quite, but a pleasing sound. Then a ship passed by and we could hear the throb of the motors. This was a disturbance to me amidst the sounds of the sea. The vibrations of the machines in the ship were different and alien.
What can we do about these noises that are so much a part of ourlives? We need to discover our own rhythm and then work at retraining and retaining it. To discover your own rhythm you lie down on your back with your arms at your sides in a quiet room where you will not be disturbed. You let go and become more and more relaxed and limp. Then pretend you are standing and looking down at yourself and watch and listen to your breathing. Try not to change it. Just let it happen. You will notice that breathing is not just in and out. It is in - out - rest, in - out - rest. As you become relaxed the rest period lengthens. There is a longer period between breaths. As relaxation becomes complete and you give up trying to control your breathing, voluntarily you will discover your own rhythm. If your rest periods between breaths are brief you are a person who likes to move quickly and vice versa.
We tend to consider people who move quickly as superior to slower movers. Of course this isn't true. The main thing is that you will not only feel better working at your own speed, you will also accomplish more.
Perhaps an easy way to understand the difference in rhythms is to think of a time when you went walking with some one who, say, walked more slowly than you wanted to. Do you remember how tiring you found this?
It seems we must join battle with the machines. Only by determination and concentration can we hope to hold onto our own comfortable rhythm. We surely need at least two periods a day, when for half an hour or so we can give it our full attention. This will eventually lead to an automatic awarens of tension discomfort. Then we change our breathing voluntarily and get back on our rhythm beam.
MARY EPP
DON SAYS: Mary was on staff at the Donwood Instute in the 70's in a physical health position.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
COMMUNICATION
We communicate with each other in many ways--by our facial expressions, our body movements, through the sex act, even by the way we walk or the tone of our voice.
But most often we communicate with words.
The English language is a very precise tool, providing us with words to express just about any idea or feeling we might have. And yet we often have such difficulty saying what we mean to say.
One of the reasons for this is that someone else may not hear the same thing we think we are saying, even though they hear the words. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear, not what is really said.
Words or phrases may carry a different meaning for each of two people because they have heard them in different circumstances, in happy or unhappy surroundings, or used in different ways.
Often words get "loaded" - that is they carry an emotional load of meaning beyond the original one. Almost any sentence starting with "You always"...or "You never..." can be said to be "loaded" since they convey a whole host of overtones about the past as well as the present statement. These kinds of words act as roadblocks when we are talking with someone. They cause the other person to put up a wall of resistance that stops any meaningful communication from taking place.
Sometimes the hardest part of communicating with someone else is getting started. A smile may help; a word of praise about how the other person looks or something nice he or she has done recently may pave the way.
When speaking with another person, the short, simple words that come naturally are usually best. A large vocabulary or the use of a lot of "high falutin" words does not by any means automatically improve communication.
It may, in face, break it down altogether. One of the most inspiring speakers and writers of this century, Sir Winston Churchill, used the common, short words of the English language with enormous effect to inspire the British people during the Second World War.
Consider the lengths of the words in these two phrases "Never have so many owed so much to so few" and "I can only offer you blood, toil, tears and sweat". No multisyllabled, flowery terms - just short, blunt words. And yet how much they say!
If you are writing to someone, imagine the person is in the room and write just as you would talk to him. Pretend you are telling him about a thought or an event, and just put down what you would say to him.
Sometimes we want to talk to someone about a particularly touchy matter. After we have said something pleasant, the next setep may be to ask a question, trying always to be positive. Try "Do you think we could...." as a starter, not "Why don't we..."
One more thing. We communicate best when we are honest about how we feel. We don't have to hit the other person over the head with our anger or disappointment or whatever it is we are feeling, but pretending to agree when we don't, saying something is fine when it really isn't , or going along just to keep the peace is usually not the best answer. It builds barriers between people and does not solve anything. Maybe we have to wait until the children are out of the room, but the best way is to face up to our real feelings as soon as possible. "I hear what you say, I understand how you feel...it makes me feel upset (sad, angry, happy, whatever).
When we are really communicating we first hear the other person, then acknowledge to him that we have in fact heard him, express understanding and or agreement where we can, and then, in as calm and clear a way as possible express simply how we feel and what we think about the things he has said.
Communicatrion does not by itself mean understanding or agreement or finding solutions. But, without real communication there can be no real understanding or building or healing in our relationships with each other.
DON SAYS: Mary was on the staff at the Donwood Institute in the 80's. A very lucid and far reaching and concise article on communicating with fellow human beings.
But most often we communicate with words.
The English language is a very precise tool, providing us with words to express just about any idea or feeling we might have. And yet we often have such difficulty saying what we mean to say.
One of the reasons for this is that someone else may not hear the same thing we think we are saying, even though they hear the words. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear, not what is really said.
Words or phrases may carry a different meaning for each of two people because they have heard them in different circumstances, in happy or unhappy surroundings, or used in different ways.
Often words get "loaded" - that is they carry an emotional load of meaning beyond the original one. Almost any sentence starting with "You always"...or "You never..." can be said to be "loaded" since they convey a whole host of overtones about the past as well as the present statement. These kinds of words act as roadblocks when we are talking with someone. They cause the other person to put up a wall of resistance that stops any meaningful communication from taking place.
Sometimes the hardest part of communicating with someone else is getting started. A smile may help; a word of praise about how the other person looks or something nice he or she has done recently may pave the way.
When speaking with another person, the short, simple words that come naturally are usually best. A large vocabulary or the use of a lot of "high falutin" words does not by any means automatically improve communication.
It may, in face, break it down altogether. One of the most inspiring speakers and writers of this century, Sir Winston Churchill, used the common, short words of the English language with enormous effect to inspire the British people during the Second World War.
Consider the lengths of the words in these two phrases "Never have so many owed so much to so few" and "I can only offer you blood, toil, tears and sweat". No multisyllabled, flowery terms - just short, blunt words. And yet how much they say!
If you are writing to someone, imagine the person is in the room and write just as you would talk to him. Pretend you are telling him about a thought or an event, and just put down what you would say to him.
Sometimes we want to talk to someone about a particularly touchy matter. After we have said something pleasant, the next setep may be to ask a question, trying always to be positive. Try "Do you think we could...." as a starter, not "Why don't we..."
One more thing. We communicate best when we are honest about how we feel. We don't have to hit the other person over the head with our anger or disappointment or whatever it is we are feeling, but pretending to agree when we don't, saying something is fine when it really isn't , or going along just to keep the peace is usually not the best answer. It builds barriers between people and does not solve anything. Maybe we have to wait until the children are out of the room, but the best way is to face up to our real feelings as soon as possible. "I hear what you say, I understand how you feel...it makes me feel upset (sad, angry, happy, whatever).
When we are really communicating we first hear the other person, then acknowledge to him that we have in fact heard him, express understanding and or agreement where we can, and then, in as calm and clear a way as possible express simply how we feel and what we think about the things he has said.
Communicatrion does not by itself mean understanding or agreement or finding solutions. But, without real communication there can be no real understanding or building or healing in our relationships with each other.
DON SAYS: Mary was on the staff at the Donwood Institute in the 80's. A very lucid and far reaching and concise article on communicating with fellow human beings.
DEVELOPING A REASON FOR BEING
Perhaps one of the most important steps in the process of recovery, is the transition from one who merely seems genuine to a person who, for the most part, is genuine. In society today genuineness is rather rare and those who seek to be themselves find considerable pressure to be otherwise. During treatment something happened to put you in touch with the inner self. Often this occurs on the physical level first. A feeling of well-being, brought about by sobriety, exercise, nutrition, relaxation and an organized day. This experience however needs to be supported by some form of psychological breakthrough.
To accept the fact that there are problems, or to surrender to that word alcoholic, are the more common types of insight first experienced. If, what happens here is sufficiently meaningful, there usually follows a sincere desire to better know and understand the self and to find one's place in the scheme of things.
Too often the role of our follow-up program is not fully appreciated as a therapeutic method of achieving this end. Whether you are a local, or out-of-town patient, we recommend attendance at a weekly meeting with others, who are on a similar course of discovery. The key to success in this particular form of therapy, is prolonged regular attendance. Too often, the stress and tension of a group relationship produces feelings of indifference to the process, and in this lack of faith in the ultimate benefits, motivation wanes.
It almost seems as if we avoid communication with another because we are afraid, that in sharing, we may diminish our own personality or our potential meaning. Sometimes a patient will try to grow in isolation and sickness takes hold. Many of us fail to appreciate how the gift of our own personality and the variety of our experiences could enrich the mix. Rather we feel a threat to our ego.
Man, allegedly a social being, often feels more at ease with a wild animal. He somehow bristles at the appearance of another human.
To say that this should not be, is not enough. We must emphasize that while these stumbling blocks are part of our nature, they are a false message and lead to that disastrous path called "the easy out". Each and every individual has an essence of quality. None has been denied. This deep inner force can and will identify with others within the group. Given sufficient time this magnetic form of energy will seek out and share itself with others of like quality. Each will be different, each can either stimulate or console the other. Unfortunately these truths must be experienced to be fully understrood and appreciated.
The condition of the patient often includes damage to his own preceptions surrounding his deep inner self. His past experience probably produced habit patterns that tend to inhibit trust and a willingness to share.
Yet, for one to feel at ease with oneself, and with his place in nature, he must share this most precious quality. It is in this act that we find the centre of ourselves.
In the past we fled from responsible personal existence. Being unwilling to answer for our genuineness, we escaped into an unhealthy, if initially acceptable, lifestyle. We became responsible only to ourselves and in the end, opted out on that as well.
The clearest indication of our plight was our inability to listen or hear the voice of another. Part of the process of the past saddled us with guilt. In repressing our knowledge of this feeling of guilt we became emersed in it. As part of recovery, reconciliation and dealing with guilt must accompany this acceptance of responsibility. Often reconciliation with the offended, is not possible. What is possible, however, is reconciliation with mankind, and ourselves, through the process of a group experience.
Seen in this light, the regular evening meeting takes on a new significance. Here, among people with common problems, we can take the risk of exposing our inner self. Here, one night a week, we can be open, honest and genuine. No pretense is necessary. Here among the compassionate, we can talk of our feelings of guilt and our irresponsibilities of the past. Here we find an acceptance, an acceptance that not only affirms our existance but also affirms our significance in the lives of others.
It is all there for those who work at it hard enough and persist long enough.
It is a process of developing a reason for being.
DOUG MARTIN
DON SAYS: Doug wrote this article while employed at the Donwood Institute in August of 1986. A very comprehensive and well written article of learning our self awareness. Read it slowly, taking in every nuance and fact and I am sure it will be helpful in overcoming the sickness of alcohol
To accept the fact that there are problems, or to surrender to that word alcoholic, are the more common types of insight first experienced. If, what happens here is sufficiently meaningful, there usually follows a sincere desire to better know and understand the self and to find one's place in the scheme of things.
Too often the role of our follow-up program is not fully appreciated as a therapeutic method of achieving this end. Whether you are a local, or out-of-town patient, we recommend attendance at a weekly meeting with others, who are on a similar course of discovery. The key to success in this particular form of therapy, is prolonged regular attendance. Too often, the stress and tension of a group relationship produces feelings of indifference to the process, and in this lack of faith in the ultimate benefits, motivation wanes.
It almost seems as if we avoid communication with another because we are afraid, that in sharing, we may diminish our own personality or our potential meaning. Sometimes a patient will try to grow in isolation and sickness takes hold. Many of us fail to appreciate how the gift of our own personality and the variety of our experiences could enrich the mix. Rather we feel a threat to our ego.
Man, allegedly a social being, often feels more at ease with a wild animal. He somehow bristles at the appearance of another human.
To say that this should not be, is not enough. We must emphasize that while these stumbling blocks are part of our nature, they are a false message and lead to that disastrous path called "the easy out". Each and every individual has an essence of quality. None has been denied. This deep inner force can and will identify with others within the group. Given sufficient time this magnetic form of energy will seek out and share itself with others of like quality. Each will be different, each can either stimulate or console the other. Unfortunately these truths must be experienced to be fully understrood and appreciated.
The condition of the patient often includes damage to his own preceptions surrounding his deep inner self. His past experience probably produced habit patterns that tend to inhibit trust and a willingness to share.
Yet, for one to feel at ease with oneself, and with his place in nature, he must share this most precious quality. It is in this act that we find the centre of ourselves.
In the past we fled from responsible personal existence. Being unwilling to answer for our genuineness, we escaped into an unhealthy, if initially acceptable, lifestyle. We became responsible only to ourselves and in the end, opted out on that as well.
The clearest indication of our plight was our inability to listen or hear the voice of another. Part of the process of the past saddled us with guilt. In repressing our knowledge of this feeling of guilt we became emersed in it. As part of recovery, reconciliation and dealing with guilt must accompany this acceptance of responsibility. Often reconciliation with the offended, is not possible. What is possible, however, is reconciliation with mankind, and ourselves, through the process of a group experience.
Seen in this light, the regular evening meeting takes on a new significance. Here, among people with common problems, we can take the risk of exposing our inner self. Here, one night a week, we can be open, honest and genuine. No pretense is necessary. Here among the compassionate, we can talk of our feelings of guilt and our irresponsibilities of the past. Here we find an acceptance, an acceptance that not only affirms our existance but also affirms our significance in the lives of others.
It is all there for those who work at it hard enough and persist long enough.
It is a process of developing a reason for being.
DOUG MARTIN
DON SAYS: Doug wrote this article while employed at the Donwood Institute in August of 1986. A very comprehensive and well written article of learning our self awareness. Read it slowly, taking in every nuance and fact and I am sure it will be helpful in overcoming the sickness of alcohol
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I SHOULD LIKE ME - DO I?
Self study is an important method for detecting what's wrong. "You must become familiar with this stranger or acquaintance, as familiar as though you were acquainting yourself with a strange city, Montreal for instance....viewing it from many different angles; from the waterfronts, from the top of the Dominion Centre, from a park bench."
Becoming acquainted with oneself...self...analysis really...involves taking a pencil and paper whenever you're overcome by a feeling of worthlessness and writing down whatever comes to mind. Let the pencil freely write what you feel, regardless of whether "it appears trivial, off the point, irrational, incoherent, indiscreet, tactless, embarrassing, or humiliating."
Don't try to write down your thoughts at a certain time every day, as a task, on a schedule. Just let it happen. Use catchwords to capture your whole thought when writing fast. Then put away the paper, and days or weeks later, look at what you've written to see what it means.
Don't expect magic...a blinding flash of light, a EUREKA! and sudden insight. Study your notes for what arrests your attention, strikes an emotional chord. If nothing makes sense, if it's all puzzling, put down questions in the margin. Let your mind dwell on the notes and slowly, later, things that appear meaningless become clear.
Don't try to understand too much at one time. "Any relevant insight, needs time and undivided attention and concentration if it is to sink in and take root." This kind of detective work, tracking down one's own self, can help a person pinpoint what makes him dislike himself.
Listening to one's own speech habits, like those mentioned earlier, and catching oneself up on them is a help. "Why can't I ever look where I'm going?"..."What an idiot I am!..."Why did I say something so silly?... they must think I am a fool!"
Once you become conscious of making self-deprecating comments like these and consciously stop it, your opinion of yourself increases. A better habit is to emphasize triumphs.
Some people only pretend to downgrade themselves; they're really asking for more praise by deprecating themselves. "I could have done a better job, this really isn't good," a hostess says, serving dinner to her guests. She means; Tell me again how delicious it is. Still other people depricate themselves whenever they're complimented, to put down the friend who praises them, as if to say: YOU have bad judgement.
They reward a compliment with an insult. "This suit?...they say contemtuously when you compliment them on where they're wearing...."Why I only paid $50 for it in Eaton's budget store!" This kind of putdown can be corrected once a person becomes conscious of what he's actually up to.
We're all victims, to a certain degree, of a fairy-tale belief that we should be proficient in
dozens of things and should have bushels and basketfuls of accomplishments.
We should be able to make as superb a meal as the master chef whose recipe we've just torn out of the newspaper; we should dance with professional skill; we should be as good a conversationalist as Dr. Bell or Dr. Birtch. We run hard to achieve many such abilities... and when we fall short, our self-esteem sinks right along with it.
The fact is that no one can be really proficient in much more than his own speciality. Accepting that fact can be a tremendous relief. Doing one's own job well is sufficient.
When you do get a better opinion of yourself, everything approves. The two aims of self-study; To be less handicapped by fears, and to develop to the best of one's capacities.
This new self-respect, and self confidence frees you to develop your own assets and abilities. Whether in the kitchen, socially or at the office, it's easier to relax and be more productive, more fanciful, more creative. And, people treat you better, like you better, respect you more because you're happy with yourself and radiate good spirits.
You think well of yourself and so do they.
HERB WOLFF
DON SAYS: Herb was on staff at the Donwood Clinic in, I believe the 70's. This is a very deep and well thought out article.
Becoming acquainted with oneself...self...analysis really...involves taking a pencil and paper whenever you're overcome by a feeling of worthlessness and writing down whatever comes to mind. Let the pencil freely write what you feel, regardless of whether "it appears trivial, off the point, irrational, incoherent, indiscreet, tactless, embarrassing, or humiliating."
Don't try to write down your thoughts at a certain time every day, as a task, on a schedule. Just let it happen. Use catchwords to capture your whole thought when writing fast. Then put away the paper, and days or weeks later, look at what you've written to see what it means.
Don't expect magic...a blinding flash of light, a EUREKA! and sudden insight. Study your notes for what arrests your attention, strikes an emotional chord. If nothing makes sense, if it's all puzzling, put down questions in the margin. Let your mind dwell on the notes and slowly, later, things that appear meaningless become clear.
Don't try to understand too much at one time. "Any relevant insight, needs time and undivided attention and concentration if it is to sink in and take root." This kind of detective work, tracking down one's own self, can help a person pinpoint what makes him dislike himself.
Listening to one's own speech habits, like those mentioned earlier, and catching oneself up on them is a help. "Why can't I ever look where I'm going?"..."What an idiot I am!..."Why did I say something so silly?... they must think I am a fool!"
Once you become conscious of making self-deprecating comments like these and consciously stop it, your opinion of yourself increases. A better habit is to emphasize triumphs.
Some people only pretend to downgrade themselves; they're really asking for more praise by deprecating themselves. "I could have done a better job, this really isn't good," a hostess says, serving dinner to her guests. She means; Tell me again how delicious it is. Still other people depricate themselves whenever they're complimented, to put down the friend who praises them, as if to say: YOU have bad judgement.
They reward a compliment with an insult. "This suit?...they say contemtuously when you compliment them on where they're wearing...."Why I only paid $50 for it in Eaton's budget store!" This kind of putdown can be corrected once a person becomes conscious of what he's actually up to.
We're all victims, to a certain degree, of a fairy-tale belief that we should be proficient in
dozens of things and should have bushels and basketfuls of accomplishments.
We should be able to make as superb a meal as the master chef whose recipe we've just torn out of the newspaper; we should dance with professional skill; we should be as good a conversationalist as Dr. Bell or Dr. Birtch. We run hard to achieve many such abilities... and when we fall short, our self-esteem sinks right along with it.
The fact is that no one can be really proficient in much more than his own speciality. Accepting that fact can be a tremendous relief. Doing one's own job well is sufficient.
When you do get a better opinion of yourself, everything approves. The two aims of self-study; To be less handicapped by fears, and to develop to the best of one's capacities.
This new self-respect, and self confidence frees you to develop your own assets and abilities. Whether in the kitchen, socially or at the office, it's easier to relax and be more productive, more fanciful, more creative. And, people treat you better, like you better, respect you more because you're happy with yourself and radiate good spirits.
You think well of yourself and so do they.
HERB WOLFF
DON SAYS: Herb was on staff at the Donwood Clinic in, I believe the 70's. This is a very deep and well thought out article.
Friday, February 6, 2009
RELIGION - RELEVANT?
"If religion makes you sad, not glad, it's bad".
Hilaire Belloc, a more or less contemporary European philosopher and historian wrote those words in a book of poetry; he wrote poetry, usually in a lighter vein, as a hobby. Yet he did not write the above with tongue in cheek; he meant what he said; there's a great deal of truth in that statement.
I have found, since re-appraising my own religious beliefs and practices, that religion is a very real source of help. For this reason I would like to share some of my own thoughts and feelings; perhaps they will be of use to you.
Religion should give us an aim or purpose in life, it should provide some of the help and encouragement we need to face the daily ups and downs of life. It should give us the guidance and direction of the striving we need to enable us to grow constantly so as to live relatively mature human lives.
Perhaps we have not been looking at religion in this way. Many of us were taught to see religion as some super-natural force which would somehow transform us into disembodied spirits or angels of a sort. We are, however human and we cannot become anything more, but there is plenty of scope for growth and development before we are fully human. Religion can help us in this area of growth.
Religion is basically a relationship with a Higher Power whom we call God. It is a relationship of dependence, not one of absolute subservience. We must reasonably, not blindly, accept the fact that we have been created by Him, that He gives us as our goal the total developement of our whole human personality. He offers us the encouragement of His support both directly and through His other creatures whom He asks to care for us and help us when we need help - and He asks us to do the same for them.
One way we express our relationship with God is through prayer. This is really a form of true converstation with God; a sincere effort to achieve a personal union with Him. Perhaps we had some ideas about prayer which were neither realistic or helpful. Conversation, if it is to be meaningful, must be an honest open expose of ourselves; our thoughts, our feelings, our aims, our weaknesses. In the same fashion, we accept the person with whom we converse as being open and honest with us. Why should prayer, if it is really conversation with God, be different? Must we mouth someone else's thoughts and words? If this God is concerned about me, He wants to hear me. Why then, shouldn't prayer be similar to a meaningful conversation with friends, modified only by our concept of who God is, how we depend on Him, how we feel toward Him here and now?
Perhaps, like so many influences in our lives, we feel that religion has let us down. When we were drinking or taking pills, we prayed and no one answered; we tried to follow all the rules but it didn't turn us on. Just remember, our work didn't do much for us until, in a sober frame of mind, we rethought our relationship with it and made a more realistic approach to it. How much did our families mean to us until some semblance of sobriety let us see them without distortion? Perhaps we might see religion in a different light if we look at again with our minds a little more capable of sound judgment than they when we were drinking.
A sincere, honest and reasonable relationship with God, and through Him, with our fellow-men is one more asset we can acquire in our efforts to grow and mature ; religion can be a valuable help in this regard. Give this proposition some serious thought - discuss it with a friend. Be honest and sincere in your search; ask God, in your own way, for guidance.
What can you lose?
FATHER TOM COMERFORD
DON SAYS: Father Tom wrote this for the Donwood Newsletter in August of 1971. This is a very deep and comprehensive article outling his outlook on God, what is he? How can we use mental contact with him to air and reach a conclusion regarding our drinking problem. I found it enlightening. It will take deep thought.
Hilaire Belloc, a more or less contemporary European philosopher and historian wrote those words in a book of poetry; he wrote poetry, usually in a lighter vein, as a hobby. Yet he did not write the above with tongue in cheek; he meant what he said; there's a great deal of truth in that statement.
I have found, since re-appraising my own religious beliefs and practices, that religion is a very real source of help. For this reason I would like to share some of my own thoughts and feelings; perhaps they will be of use to you.
Religion should give us an aim or purpose in life, it should provide some of the help and encouragement we need to face the daily ups and downs of life. It should give us the guidance and direction of the striving we need to enable us to grow constantly so as to live relatively mature human lives.
Perhaps we have not been looking at religion in this way. Many of us were taught to see religion as some super-natural force which would somehow transform us into disembodied spirits or angels of a sort. We are, however human and we cannot become anything more, but there is plenty of scope for growth and development before we are fully human. Religion can help us in this area of growth.
Religion is basically a relationship with a Higher Power whom we call God. It is a relationship of dependence, not one of absolute subservience. We must reasonably, not blindly, accept the fact that we have been created by Him, that He gives us as our goal the total developement of our whole human personality. He offers us the encouragement of His support both directly and through His other creatures whom He asks to care for us and help us when we need help - and He asks us to do the same for them.
One way we express our relationship with God is through prayer. This is really a form of true converstation with God; a sincere effort to achieve a personal union with Him. Perhaps we had some ideas about prayer which were neither realistic or helpful. Conversation, if it is to be meaningful, must be an honest open expose of ourselves; our thoughts, our feelings, our aims, our weaknesses. In the same fashion, we accept the person with whom we converse as being open and honest with us. Why should prayer, if it is really conversation with God, be different? Must we mouth someone else's thoughts and words? If this God is concerned about me, He wants to hear me. Why then, shouldn't prayer be similar to a meaningful conversation with friends, modified only by our concept of who God is, how we depend on Him, how we feel toward Him here and now?
Perhaps, like so many influences in our lives, we feel that religion has let us down. When we were drinking or taking pills, we prayed and no one answered; we tried to follow all the rules but it didn't turn us on. Just remember, our work didn't do much for us until, in a sober frame of mind, we rethought our relationship with it and made a more realistic approach to it. How much did our families mean to us until some semblance of sobriety let us see them without distortion? Perhaps we might see religion in a different light if we look at again with our minds a little more capable of sound judgment than they when we were drinking.
A sincere, honest and reasonable relationship with God, and through Him, with our fellow-men is one more asset we can acquire in our efforts to grow and mature ; religion can be a valuable help in this regard. Give this proposition some serious thought - discuss it with a friend. Be honest and sincere in your search; ask God, in your own way, for guidance.
What can you lose?
FATHER TOM COMERFORD
DON SAYS: Father Tom wrote this for the Donwood Newsletter in August of 1971. This is a very deep and comprehensive article outling his outlook on God, what is he? How can we use mental contact with him to air and reach a conclusion regarding our drinking problem. I found it enlightening. It will take deep thought.
THAT EMPTY FEELING
For many centuries it has been well known that poorly fed animals are poor workers. In spite of this knowledge, man is reluctant to correlate his own inefficiency with diet. Farmers take great care to ensure that the feed their cattle receive contains the exact percentage of protein for maximum growth; but how many of us take the effort to plan our nutritional needs to provide optimal out put.
In their search for food, animals are guided by instinct. If humans have this instinct, it is soon altered during infancy by a formulation of eating habits which are determined by many factors. The availability of food, the economics of the family and community, the ethnic and religious traditions, the discipline of the home, and the pleasant and unpleasant experiences associated with food are but a few of the reasons for our food preferences. This conditioning process can make food selection unreliable unless there is a conscious awareness and interest in what we should eat. If we wait until our body tells us we need fuel to keep going it may be too late. For many of us, this "empty" feeling has been associated with having a drink. If we find ourselves skipping meals, take it as a warning signal and ask ourselves - "Why am I skipping breakfast, or "Why am I not taking time for lunch?"
Our custom of eating three meals a day is based more on convenience than physiologic need. There may often be times when meals are as much as six hours apart during the day.
Experience in industry has shown the value to worker productivity of additional rest periods particularly when associated with food. The view is widely held that between-meal snacks increase work performance and lessen fatigue.
Since fatigue often results from an inadequate or irregular protein intake, complete protein should be included in each meal. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to to take a complete protein meal every four hours during the waking day to help keep the blood sugar level fairly constant, and help maintain a feeling of well-being.
A good between-meal snack is milk; the carbohydrate in milk (Galactose) is absorbed into the blood stream rapidly to give quick energy, and the protein in milk has a much slower rate of absorption to provide "staying power".
The need for protein is especially important at breakfast; as nearly fifteen hours may have elapsed since the last meal, and in many cases lunch is another five hours away. "Have a good breakfast" is a popular cliche often ignored today, even though most people realize that the missed breakfast results in decreased efficiency during the late morning hours. Research has shown that subjects do significantly more work when dietary regimen includes an adequate breakfast than when it is omitted. Data also seems to indicate that an adequate breakfast is better economy as far as capacity to do work is concerned than the substitution of a mid-morning break.
A conventional breakfast of fruit, cereal,bacon and eggs is good; but for some of us there are other ways to make breakfasts more enoyable and tolerable.
As I am mostly concerned with the protein content of your breakfast, I will discuss only this aspect. Milk can be taken by itself, on cereal, in an eggnog, instant breakfast or milkshake. Eggs can be poached, scrambled, boiled, fried, hard-cooked, whipped in an omelet, blended into an eggnog, or used as a dip for French toast.
Any meat you desire is acceptable as a breakfast food; bacon, pork sausages, ham, steak, kidneys, chops, beef sandwiches, or sliced chicken sandwiches. Sliced processed cheese can be placed on bread and broiled until golden brown; cheddar cheese is great with biscuits, cottage cheese and fruit are a fast, nutritious combination. Be daring some morning and try an English breakfast of kippered herring!
You may ask; "But when I am not hungry why should I bother eating?". This is the time to ask yourself; "Why am I not hungry?". Take it as a warning of some other feeling and eat something".
ELIZABETH SNELL
DON SAYS: At the time of this writing in 1970 Elizabeth Snell was in charch of Nutrition at the Donwood. She makes an excellent case for the fact that hunger or lack of it can be a warning of a desire to resume drinking. I have often associated meals and drinking, and it is easy to fall back into the old ways. In cooperation with your wife or significant other, plan your daily food intake carefully with the object in mind that you want to avoid that "empty feeling".
In their search for food, animals are guided by instinct. If humans have this instinct, it is soon altered during infancy by a formulation of eating habits which are determined by many factors. The availability of food, the economics of the family and community, the ethnic and religious traditions, the discipline of the home, and the pleasant and unpleasant experiences associated with food are but a few of the reasons for our food preferences. This conditioning process can make food selection unreliable unless there is a conscious awareness and interest in what we should eat. If we wait until our body tells us we need fuel to keep going it may be too late. For many of us, this "empty" feeling has been associated with having a drink. If we find ourselves skipping meals, take it as a warning signal and ask ourselves - "Why am I skipping breakfast, or "Why am I not taking time for lunch?"
Our custom of eating three meals a day is based more on convenience than physiologic need. There may often be times when meals are as much as six hours apart during the day.
Experience in industry has shown the value to worker productivity of additional rest periods particularly when associated with food. The view is widely held that between-meal snacks increase work performance and lessen fatigue.
Since fatigue often results from an inadequate or irregular protein intake, complete protein should be included in each meal. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to to take a complete protein meal every four hours during the waking day to help keep the blood sugar level fairly constant, and help maintain a feeling of well-being.
A good between-meal snack is milk; the carbohydrate in milk (Galactose) is absorbed into the blood stream rapidly to give quick energy, and the protein in milk has a much slower rate of absorption to provide "staying power".
The need for protein is especially important at breakfast; as nearly fifteen hours may have elapsed since the last meal, and in many cases lunch is another five hours away. "Have a good breakfast" is a popular cliche often ignored today, even though most people realize that the missed breakfast results in decreased efficiency during the late morning hours. Research has shown that subjects do significantly more work when dietary regimen includes an adequate breakfast than when it is omitted. Data also seems to indicate that an adequate breakfast is better economy as far as capacity to do work is concerned than the substitution of a mid-morning break.
A conventional breakfast of fruit, cereal,bacon and eggs is good; but for some of us there are other ways to make breakfasts more enoyable and tolerable.
As I am mostly concerned with the protein content of your breakfast, I will discuss only this aspect. Milk can be taken by itself, on cereal, in an eggnog, instant breakfast or milkshake. Eggs can be poached, scrambled, boiled, fried, hard-cooked, whipped in an omelet, blended into an eggnog, or used as a dip for French toast.
Any meat you desire is acceptable as a breakfast food; bacon, pork sausages, ham, steak, kidneys, chops, beef sandwiches, or sliced chicken sandwiches. Sliced processed cheese can be placed on bread and broiled until golden brown; cheddar cheese is great with biscuits, cottage cheese and fruit are a fast, nutritious combination. Be daring some morning and try an English breakfast of kippered herring!
You may ask; "But when I am not hungry why should I bother eating?". This is the time to ask yourself; "Why am I not hungry?". Take it as a warning of some other feeling and eat something".
ELIZABETH SNELL
DON SAYS: At the time of this writing in 1970 Elizabeth Snell was in charch of Nutrition at the Donwood. She makes an excellent case for the fact that hunger or lack of it can be a warning of a desire to resume drinking. I have often associated meals and drinking, and it is easy to fall back into the old ways. In cooperation with your wife or significant other, plan your daily food intake carefully with the object in mind that you want to avoid that "empty feeling".
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